Lessons in Gratitude

Another day pretty much in the books. I am where I often am at this time of night: seated in front of my computer about to record and share some of my last reflections of the day with those wayfarers who happen to wander onto this page or those who chance to connect from my Facebook page. I’m grateful to be here sharing some thoughts on things I am grateful for and/or the ways in which gratitude enriches my life and the lives of countless people.

I am grateful for the way this day has unfolded, as I often am. The day begins early and I don’t know what the day holds, only what is happening in that moment. That’s the way of it, though, isn’t it? We make plans for our day, our week, our month, our year, our five years, our lives, but we really only have this moment and then this moment and after that, perhaps, this moment. Given that awareness you’d think we might spend less time planning our lives and more time living them, eh?

This morning I woke early as I usually do–now I keep the alarm set, though on weekends I sometimes try to “sleep in” until 7 or sometimes even 8 a.m. This morning, however, I’d set the clock for 6 a.m. so I could rise and participate in an annual (mostly) event: watching the ladies’ final at Wimbledon. I usually only watch when one (or both) of the Williams sisters are playing, which fortunately for me has been 10 of the last 13 years. Today I woke early to watch Serena Williams play. (If you are not a tennis or sports fan, I apologize in advance for my brief foray into athletic-speak…) I was also writing in my morning journal–I had turned the television on mute. I’d glance over periodically, but Serena seemed to have the match well in hand.

My journal writing was a bit choppy as you might expect it to be given that I was half watching the tennis match out of the corner of my eye. My energy was anxious and emotional as I wrote my daily journal, and I seemed, as I often do, to have more questions than answers. As if in response to my agitation, the tennis match suddenly tightened up and my favorite appeared to be losing steam. I watched her lose her composure and begin losing games while her opponent gained in confidence as she fought her way back into the match, taking the second of the three sets. I found myself even more anxious and, though I kept the match on with the sound muted, I only stole a glance over every once in a while. I continued writing about my struggles, but also about my need to “drink deeply from a wellspring of courage and hope that will see me through to better days.” I knew I needed to dig in and fight back, even as I watched Serena Williams fight back and regain her composure and confidence. She took the third and deciding set with ferocious determination to once again be the Wimbledon champion. During one of the post match interviews she gave, Serena talked about how she had battled through serious illness and depression over the past year and that she had reached a point where she thought she would never play tennis again. She said her goal at that time was, “just to live.” Not only did she live, she worked her way back into the game–the life–she loves and capped off her improbable return by winning a championship on tennis’s biggest stage.

As I watched the last few games of the match, including her incredulity and total joy when she hit the winning shot, tears were rolling down my face. Throughout the interview I found myself thinking about what she battled through to regain her winning form. It started simple: “I wanted just to live.” As I think through the challenges I’ve suffered through over the last year I realize that my goal has been much the same: I want to live, to be happy and at peace with life and within myself.

I am grateful for the lessons from the tennis match this morning and from a retreat on “Gratitude During Difficult Times” that I attended this afternoon. Much of what I’ve heard and seen and experienced this day has helped me to realize that though everything hasn’t always felt good or been easy, I believe that I am nonetheless on the right track. It’s all about having a little faith. This journey of gratitude that I’ve been on for the past year (my anniversary of starting this blog passed on June 30) has helped me stay on a relatively even keel, even though the ride has been quite wild and unpredictable at times. Taking time each day to focus on something I am grateful for has provided an anchor for me when my little ship was tossed and flung about by the storms of life. I remain thankful for having developed this practice of gratitude and hope to continue to strengthen it as time goes on. “It’s easy to be grateful when times are good,” the retreat leader had said this afternoon, “It’s a lot harder when times get tough.” She’s right about that. And although I have had a grateful heart throughout much of my life, it hasn’t been until this past year that I’ve truly cultivated gratitude even in the midst of some of the hardest times in my adult life. Gratitude has saved my life, kept me sane and grounded.

Gratitude has become popular these days, and that is a good thing. I hope it “takes” and sticks rather than fades away like so many other popular but passing fads. I for one plan to stick with it and perhaps go at it even harder as the days and weeks ahead unfold. Stay tuned. Gratitude is going global! Want to come along?

This has been a long, full, and good day. I am grateful for the whole day, start to finish. I never know how a day’s going to go when I first wake up–well, I guess none of us really do, even if we pretend to. As I wrote in my journal this morning, I began the day in a “subdued” state of mind/heart. It’s hard to predict where a day might go when it starts out a little on the gray/blue color spectrum. But after my morning ablutions and breakfast, I was headed out the door to work. I put on the brand new CD that my daughter had created especially for me and got onto the highway. She’d put together a playlist of positive upbeat songs. They made my 40 minute commute this morning a real pleasure–it’s hard to crab at crazy drivers when you’re singing happy songs near the top of your voice. “You gotta keep your head up, ohhh-ohhh….” The songs are still resonating with me 14 hours later. It was a very sweet gesture for her to make the CD for me. She knows I love music and singing and also knows I need the pick-me-up that I’d get from that particular mix of songs. Many of them are familiar to me, some are not. All are positive and just what I need to get me up and moving or singing or just enjoying the drive.

That on-the-road jam session set the tone for the rest of my day. Even though I spent the next several hours poring over documents and checklists and staring at computer searching through dozens of spreadsheets and documents, I remained energetic (and that’s saying something.) I took my lunch break sitting out in my car, with the windows open and a pleasant Bay area breeze (about 72 degrees) blowing through. Then it was back to poring over documents. After work I went and saw my therapist, and then for the first time since mid-February I went over to the sitting meditation for people of color over at the East Bay Meditation Center. I’d been to the center many times for classes throughout the spring, but hadn’t been to the Thursday night sit in months. I picked a really good day to go back–I reconnected with a colleague/friend I hadn’t seen in two years, one of my favorite meditation teachers was back from a five month retreat to lead this evening’s sit, and there was a buffet of food (there’s usually only tea and water) set up in honor of her return. That was particularly wonderful as I had not eaten anything since lunchtime seven hours earlier.

After the typical 30 minute silent meditation period and a short food break, we reconvened for the evening dharma talk. The teacher talked about her time on retreat, five months of quiet and solitude. She was literally alone in the wilderness for two full months and largely on her own for the other three.  While part of that sounds really (really) appealing to me, it also strikes me what an incredibly difficult and challenging thing it would be to live in relative silence–except the sounds of nature around you and whatever noises you might make, talking to yourself and such. As much as I crave solitude, I doubt I am ready to tackle the solitude of no phone, no iPod, very little in the way of outer distractions. You really have to be with yourself, your thoughts and feelings, 24/7. Still, the idea of doing a shorter retreat, say three, seven or ten days seems a bit more manageable, though even that would be challenging. I plan to do one, though, sooner rather than later.

I am grateful for the day I’ve had, though it was long and I am writing this about two hours later than usual. The theme for the teacher’s talk tonight was “Letting Go,” and God knows I’ve done a little bit of that over the past 18 months or so. It is something I’ve actually given a lot of thought to, so her talk was timely. As I ponder my “what’s next” I know that I will be letting go of some people, places, and things I’ve become attached to. And that’s alright. It is time. I remember a coaching friend of mine reminded me that when you let go of something, you’re opening up your hands to let something else come. Let go, let come. A good thing to ponder and meditate on as I prepare to take my rest.

And yet another shout out to the now waning moon who nonetheless is still shining brilliantly through my window yet again tonight. I am so grateful for the spectacle she’s made of herself these past several evenings. And I am grateful for my capacity to recognize and appreciate the beauty that literally is all around me at any given time. Yep, I’m grateful and as the old church folk used to say, “Wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey,” which is to say that, whether the road has been easy or hard, it’s my journey and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

One step forward and two steps back–at least I hope it’s only two steps. Had a good day yesterday and had hoped to build on that a bit by having another good one–you know, go for two in a row. But it was not to be today. Perhaps it was the crash after a high, hard to say. Or perhaps yesterday’s goodness was a reprieve from the stress and anxiety that permeates much of my day-to-day life. I fight some days harder than others to establish and maintain a positive, hopeful outlook, which takes a great deal of energy some days. Today, I lost a little bit of ground. Nevertheless, I will dig into my bag of gratitude goodies to see what I can pull out to create a wee space of appreciation to close out the day.

Sitting at my desk with my window open I feel the cool breeze of a mid-summer Bay area evening. The moon, bright, creamy white and wonderful is just rising over the trees that line the back parking lot of our complex. The raucous call of the crows outside earlier have now quieted and the natural sounds of the night begin to take over from the day shift. The robin who’s been hanging about of late is chirping her warning calls to any who might be thinking of invading her space. It’s such an odd thing to hear at night, but she faithfully calls out each night at full evening (around 9 p.m.) for no longer than about five minutes before she quiets and settles down. These sights and sounds are things I do not tire of and yet they are so simple. I am grateful for the simplicity when so many things are unnecessarily complicated.

Tonight I will once again include what I call the “night time prayer” from the New Zealand Book of Prayer as I close early tonight. For some reason I find the words quite comforting.