Lessons in Gratitude

Every day’s a new day. I am grateful for that fact. It generally means that I can have a difficult, low-energy, “blue” day one day, and have a totally different kind of day the next. That was true today, as it often is. One thing that has been true for me over the past few months is that while I’ve often expressed the wish that after having a particularly good day I could actually have two really good days in a row, I have not often suffered from two really bad days in a row either. Yesterday was not great, and I woke this morning with some tentativeness about how today would go. And while my intention was that it be a good day, it started out a little rocky. Nevertheless, I was determined to accomplish a few things today, even if they were small ones. So, without great fanfare, here are a few of the things I accomplished today:

• I trimmed the dog’s nails. This is no mean feat. Honor is squirmy and fidgety and doesn’t really like having her nails clipped (and who can blame her, I almost always nip one a little too close and it bleeds like crazy.) I had an easier time trimming the nails of my 88 pound Rhodesian ridgeback-pit bull mixed breed dog than I do with the squirmy 26 pound black lab mix. Her nails are still not trimmed as close they should be, but they’re a sight better than they were.
• I sorted through several disorderly piles of papers on my desk and tidily filed them into neat, multicolored labeled folders. While I still have some work to do to completely sort through and clean off my desk, it’s a whole lot tamer than it was.
• I applied for a job for which I had carried around the position description for about two weeks. I didn’t manage my time well enough to have the creative energy to write the cover letter and put the application together, but I managed it today. I have a few others that I’m considering and will take steps this week toward determining if I have what they’re looking for and likewise if they have enough of what I’m looking for in my next job. I’ll probably apply to at least one of them later in the week after I’ve received my intel about it.

This list might not seem particularly exhaustive; it isn’t really. But sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is praiseworthy; and getting out of bed and getting some things done that have been on my to-do list for months (Honor’s nails had gotten really long…) is even better.

I am also grateful for happy “accidents.” The other day, my phone mysteriously dialed an old friend of mine with whom I have been in intermittent contact, mostly by email over the past few years. I definitely hadn’t intended to call her and left some lame voicemail about the accidental call, told her I hope all was well with her and hung up. Last week when scrolling through her received calls, she noticed that I had called her. She called me back leaving me a voicemail likewise hoping all was well with me. Today she decided to call back, not being satisfied with the voicemail exchange. We had a lovely conversation on a variety of subjects. She could definitely relate to the challenges I’d gone through over the past year, having experienced her own share of issues in the past few years. Without playing the “pain olympics” we were nonetheless each able to share some of our life difficulties and also offer one another support and encouragement. It was really good to connect with her and we’ll probably stay in a little better touch in the months to come. In spite of the fact that my phone is possessed and does all kinds of random things (some of which have created real havoc in my life), I’m grateful for the accident that reconnected me with my friend.

As I look ahead to this week, I am anticipating good things. The challenges are there, yes, but as each day in the week unfolds I gain new perspectives, deeper levels of patience and kindness with myself, and a deep sense of gratitude for whatever each day brings. I might cry this week, but I will also be smiling and laughing, breathing and meditating, praying, singing, enjoying natural beauty, serving others, and engaging in any number of life-affirming activities. Taken altogether, that all sounds pretty good.

Tonight I am grateful for good friends. I’ve had the pleasure of spending a lot of time this week with my friend Mary–and on at least two occasions we had our daughters with us. Mary’s daughter is a few years older than Michal. The four of us went to the movies last night and also hung out this evening as we celebrated a cozy”girl’s night out” with two other young women. Originally intended to be a mother-daughter hang out, some of the mothers couldn’t come, so we had more daughters, but in the end it was a good night and fun relaxing with the women. I had come home after what had been a long-feeling day followed by an interminable commute. I took a quick nap  and then off we went to hang out with the women.

It has been a tiring day–coming home after 10 p.m. to sit down and write will mean a seriously abbreviated blog.

I am grateful for second chances that we get from time to time. Every once in a while when something doesn’t go as expected or hoped, or you attempt something that doesn’t turn out very well, or you don’t create the kind of impression you wanted to, you really want a do-over. I haven’t had very many of those in my life, but sometimes you get one. Not too long ago I made a decision that had I felt I had to make for a variety of good reasons, but the consequence was that I took myself out of consideration for an opportunity I was being considered for. There were a lot of things going on in the situation and I knew I made the right decision even if taking care of one thing meant neglecting another. Then tonight I received a call that brought the opportunity that had seemed completely gone back into the realm of possibility. In short, I have a second chance to at least look things over and see if the opportunity is worth pursuing. We shall see.

Second chances happen for me every day; or at least I have a chance nearly every day to make a good day of one that has been difficult or a great day out of one that was pretty good. I have opportunities to apologize and reconnect with someone whom I’ve hurt by my actions (or inaction) or to reach out to someone who seems to be in need of it. Some are tiny little do-overs, and others are more significant. But I am constantly surprised at how many times over the course of a single day we make decisions that take us in the direction of good. In this one day I’ve experienced a gamut of emotions–sadness, boredom, irritation, exhaustion, pleasure, amusement, etc. At the end of the day, no matter how it began or what happened during its course, I sit and think about and share gratitude with the world–a wonderful do-over.

So I’m going to take my rest a bit later than I’d like and still have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow than I might feel ready for. But I’ll write in my journal, practice my smiling, do a little lovingkindness meditation, and get on with my day. May we all know happiness and the root of happiness. So be it!

It has been another good, long Wednesday. They often are–good and long. I am tired in part because I spend a few hours each Wednesday volunteering at the Berkeley Food Pantry. I’ve written about this many times in the months since I started working there nearly a year ago. It has been a mainstay in my life providing me with meaningful connections with the community, work with a team of terrific people, and a deep sense of giving something of myself in ways I don’t do anyplace else in my life at the moment. I am grateful for stepped outside of my normal shyness to show up at the pantry that first day in mid June last year. It’s been a blessing ever since.

Tonight I find myself once again deep in thought about my “what’s next.” I have spent many months trying to figure out what I want to be doing next in terms of my vocation and where I want to be doing it. I have applied for a number of positions that involve similar work in the same field I’ve worked in for over 25 years. I have had a number of phone interviews and a few in-person ones, none of which resulted in my employment. It’s been suggested to me by a number of people that the Universe is perhaps trying to send me a message that I need to be doing something different, and I have been willing to acknowledge that perhaps that’s true. Unfortunately, I have not really yet landed on what that something different looks like. This has made it a bit tricky to figure out how to proceed. How does one apply for something when one doesn’t know what that something is?

I have written about this theme in past blogs (search “right livelihood” and you’ll probably find some of them), and I’m too tired to write about it tonight. What I will say is that I’m doing my best to practice patience in learnign to sit with the not knowing. The poet Ranier Maria Rilke wrote,

I am not keen to wait until “some distant day” for the answers, but I am willing to be patient and figure out how to live while living the questions. And so tonight I am grateful for the patience that periodically allows me to calm my breathing, slow myself down and take in what is going on around me in the present moment rather than fretting about the uncertainties of the future. Some days it works a little better than others, but that is where the patience comes in .

I still have a lot to say, gifts and talents to offer the world, and a genuine desire and willingness to be of service. I look forward to finding the opportunity–living my way into the answers–at some point soon. I have no particular destination in mind at the moment; my goal for now is to enjoy the journey. I’ll send postcards!

Today feels like a good day to be grateful for all kinds of random things. My brain has been a bit scattered of late, so random might be the best I can manage. Like, can I tell you how happy I am that it’s summer and that some of my favorite summer fruits are in season? I am a huge fan of cherries; there season is much too short for my liking, but for a few glorious weeks I happily buy and munch them whole handfuls at a time. We won’t talk about what the overzealous consumption of cherries does to my digestion. I am grateful and happy each time cherry season rolls around, and equally pleased by the wide variety of watermelons, peaches, strawberries, blueberries, etc.

I’m grateful for audiobooks. Back when I worked two miles away from my house (the commute was about 10 minutes, unless there was “bad” traffic, then it took 20) I had no use for audiobooks. I would listen to them while I worked out in the backyard, but not consistently. Now that I live over 20 miles away from where I work and the commute takes at least 30 minutes and on a bad day can take over an hour, I now get many hours of pleasure listening to my books. I am not as attentive a listener as a reader, so I probably don’t get as much of the detail from listening as I do from reading. Still, it is a very enjoyable way to spend the commute. I’ve discovered a number of narrators whose voices I very much enjoy listening to and have listened to a number of “epic” series. It’s particularly great for the type of science fiction and fantasy books that I listen to–many of them are multipart books so I have listened to a number of good trilogies and other series over the months.  When I need to make a shift from fantasy, I listen to audiobooks about meditation and Buddhist principles. These engage my mind in different but no less valuable or appreciated ways. Someday I would love to narrate and audiobook. I’ve no doubt it requires a great deal of effort (some of the different voices and accents required to really bring a book to life would be challenging, not to mention being able to simply read smoothly without messing up), but it could be fun to do it once. I just added it to my “bucket list” that I just now started…

I am grateful for having my daughter here for part of the summer. We’ve had our rocky moments over the past few months–part of it is perhaps about her getting ready to move “away” to graduate school and needing to create separation. At least that’s the psychological theory about what happens between parents and children–mothers and daughters in particular–as the “child” grows up and exerts her independence from her parents. Apparently it’s a necessary part of the evolutionary process. The other contributing factor that caused some initial ruffling of feathers is that there are now three of us living in a two bedroom condo. Michal doesn’t have her own space–a door she can close to shut out the world when she needs a break from everyone. So she’s sort of had to spread out in the living room, though she sleeps with me most nights. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m still glad to have her here even if it’s just for a month or so. I have some time to impart the last bits of wisdom before she’s back out there in the big, wide world. Money management and ironing are among the items on the list. For her part, she’s going to help me start eating better and learning to exercise and take better care of my body…boy does she have her work cut out for her! All of this fun mommy-daughter togetherness will culminate in a road trip at the end of July when we drive together up to her new digs in Seattle. That should be quite an adventure. I’ll be sure to chronicle as it happens.

Today I have  grateful for many things–some greater, some smaller, but all things I have appreciated over the course of the day. Sitting down these evenings offers me the opportunity to realize how very fortunate I am. So much has happened in my life over the last 18 months that could be considered unfortunate, unhappy, unsettling, un-lots of things, but in spite of everything I really am blessed. And while I still suffer some of the side effects of the various vicissitudes that have wreaked havoc in my life, I am doing pretty well all things considered. And for that I am exceedingly grateful. Random gratitude or gratitude for random things is still gratitude. What are you grateful for this evening?

Tonight my daughter asked me if I was going to stop writing this blog when I reach the 365th day of writing it. “I’m not sure I’m going to make it to 365,” I replied as I stared glumly at the blinking cursor on the blank screen below the title, “Lessons in Gratitude Day 325.” Only 40 more days to go…

I am grateful for what I was able to accomplish today–mundane things like housecleaning and writing invoices for work I’d done over the past two weeks. Yesterday I did laundry, changed the linens on my bed and accomplished more mundane but necessary things. At the end of this day, I find myself suffering from some measure of dissatisfaction over what I did not accomplish today. There’s a prayer I try to recite most nights (because I am still learning it, I have not memorized it. I read it from a small piece of paper I’ve it written on.) There’s a part that says,

It is a helpful reminder to me that the day is over and there are things left undone. But I cannot add hours to the end of the day to get them done now, so it is time to let go and leave them undone until I can next get to them. This has not always been easy for me; we are an accomplishment-driven society and I grew up in a somewhat accomplishment-driven family. There’s nothing whatever wrong with that; it’s how we move things forward, make progress along our paths, etc. But there comes a point when it’s alright to let go temporarily set aside the notion that this thing is going to get done on this day. As difficult as that is, I’m going to let it go. There are still a few things I can still get done before I leave the house at 10:45 p.m. to go pick up my son from work. That includes tonight’s blog.

Taking a few moments to focus on gratitude shouldn’t be that hard, and actually, it isn’t. I frequently burst into random moments of gratitude many times throughout the course of a given day. The focusing on what I’m grateful for is easy, the writing about it is not! In spite of my occasional struggle with the written expression of my gratitude, I am hopeful each night as I sit down to the computer to compose these reflections that I’ve managed enough coherent thoughts that someone benefits in the reading of them and I in the writing. It is at least part of the reason that I sit here each night ruminating over those things for which I am grateful.

So with gratefulness I will sign off and prepare myself for tomorrow. Get a few more things done and let go the rest. I am reprinting the night time prayer below.

It’s incredible to me that today is June 1. The days now fly by with incredible speed to such an extent that I can scarcely keep track of their passage. I mark them each day by writing in my journal in the morning and my blog at night and the time in between is often a blur. And suddenly we’re nearly at week’s end again. Were we not just here a day or two ago? How is it that we find ourselves here now? Oh my. Given the week in its entirety, I have to conclude that it’s been a pretty good one. I am grateful for that at many levels.

As I sat thinking about how quickly the days and weeks are passing, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes on time of which I always only remember the first part,“Time is too slow for those who wait.” I never could remember the rest of it, only the general concept that we each perceive time from different perspectives. In this day of instant information I simply had to go to Google to find the full quote by the writer Henry Van Dyke:

(Of course Google also attributed a quote that was very much like Van Dyke’s to William Shakespeare, so who knows who really said it first…) Anyway, it seems that how we approach time is all about perspective. But these days so many people I talk to, even young people, all seem to be conscious of the speeding up of our days. When my twenty-one year old daughter says, “Where did the time go?” I shake my head and wonder where indeed?

The other quote about time that stood out for me many years ago occurred during one of the Star Trek movies in which a character says to Captain Jean Luc Picard, “Time is the fire in which we burn.” When I googled that quote it came up as being attributed to two people–one a poet and the other was none other than Gene Roddenberry, creator of the Star Trek series. In the film Captain Picard has the opportunity to live in an alternate time, one in which he could live out the life he’d have had if he’d made different choices. In the alternate timeline he marries and has children instead of leading the life of a starship captain boldly going where no one (they used to say “no man”) had gone before. He got the chance to experience things he’d been missing in his life–the connection to a loving life partner, children to nurture and raise, a quiet, contented life. In the end of course he remembered that he was a starship captain and returned to his “real” life of unattached, relatively solitary space exploration “seeking out new life and new civilizations.”

So what does any of this have to do with gratitude? Perhaps not much. Except to say that I am grateful for each day that God gives me on this planet. Some days I make good use of the time I’m given, and others I probably squander it, wishing I could get a do-over. I try to approach my days with the highest intentions possible–to do good where I can, to do no harm where I can’t, to live with as much integrity, compassion, and love as I can. To simply do the best I can with what I am given each day. I am grateful for the time I have with my children–the three of us living together again under one roof for the first time in many months and possibly for the last time in the foreseeable future as they continue into their respective futures and I into mine. I am grateful for times spent with my siblings, either in person or virtually. The times with family are among the most precious to me, and I find myself wishing I could have them much more often than I do.

I am grateful for time and the many ways in which it expresses itself. I am learning as best I can to live in the moment, whatever that moment happens to bring; to stop regretting past actions and decisions and fretting about futures I have no way of knowing will unfold. It’s not easy, this living in the moment thing, but if I can truly learn to savor the moments of my life I will really have accomplished something.