| I am grateful this evening for routine. I start my days by getting up and writing in my journal each morning pretty much before I do anything else,and I end by writing a blog each evening. In between I have myriad other little elements of habit and routine that,rather than being stale and boring,offer some normalcy and regularity in what is otherwise a somewhat chaotic and unpredictable life. Today was a gorgeous day–I was able to enjoy some time outside at the park today,and though it was cool,the sun and the air were pleasant. I was glad to be back out there having missed going out and taking the dog along with me for our usual jaunt. I had moments of bliss as I sat on a hill looking out over a plain of tall grass. The wind whispered through the golden grasses with a wisssshhhhhh sound that almost seemed like hushed voices. I feasted on the sounds as well as the sight of the green-gold grasses bending gracefully in the wind,and was grateful not simply for the experience,but also for the senses that allowed me to enjoy it so deeply. The sights,sounds,and smells of the grasses transported me back to childhood days in Indiana,lying in the tall grasses of the neighbor’s field across the street where I spent many quiet,solitary hours. Sometimes,in the midst of all the hubbub and traffic and noises of the urban area that surrounds me,I long for the quiet,if not the solitariness of those days. It can be a real challenge not knowing where you’re going next,where you’re “supposed”to be. At most points throughout the course of my life I’ve known where I was going and what I was going to do. Except for one brief period during my early 20′s,I have not been in such a complete state of unknowing as I am right now. Almost seven years ago I planted my flag here in the San Francisco Bay area,with the full expectation that I would live out here for many years,if not the rest of my life. (California had never been on my list of places where I wanted or expected to live,but I happened to connect myself to a person who not only lived out here,but showed no inclination to want to ever move from here and certainly not to move to where I was in Michigan.) Now here I am,no longer connected to that person I thought I’d be with for many years into the future,and I was laid off from my job last year. My daughter just graduated from college out here in California and is moving on to graduate school out of state. My son who moved out here a few years ago also seems to be winding down his stay in the Golden State. Suddenly my reasons for remaining here are dwindling. Yes,I have a small circle of friends and have come to appreciate many things here–such oddly disparate things as the Berkeley Food Pantry,where I volunteer each week,the East Bay Meditation Center where I am learning about mindfulness and meditation,and Cesar Chavez Park where I’ve taken such restorative strolls over the past year. I now find myself in a complete state of flux with no clear plan,no destination in mind. For the short term,I have been alright with that. Soon though,I know that I will have to make some pretty significant moves to change my life trajectory. I am grateful for the support and encouragement of the people around me–both those who live here in California as well as family and friends in different parts of the country. As I continue to seek out my “what’s next,”they continue to “be there”for me as I sort out my life. They are a great source of strength and comfort to me that I do not ever want to take for granted. At this moment,on this day,I have no clear idea of what I’ll be doing even a few months from now. I do know that whatever happens and wherever I go I will have cultivated the practice of gratitude,and that will stand me in good stead wherever I end up next. I am weary tonight. It is the end of a really long,trying week. I am grateful to still be standing at the end of it,though in some ways it hasn’t been any worse than any other really long,trying week. I am reminded that everything really is relative,and how something appears to be in a given moment is totally a matter of perspective. Viewing things from a grateful perspective causes me to look for and find something good in the midst of what might otherwise be chaos. I have maintained a posture,over the past 300 plus days,that there are many blessings in my life and in spite of the challenges also swirling around my life,I am grateful. Someone commented to me recently about my blog stating,“Wow,you are almost at a year.”I am still a little less than two months away–56 days,but who’s counting–before I can say that I’ve written a year’s worth of lessons in gratitude. I’m not sure I’ll make it. While there’s a lot to be said for reaching a particular milestone,there could likewise be much said for not reaching it. I wrote this blog for 227 straight days before I took a brief hiatus from it. On that particular occasion I had decided that it was more important to write when I had something to say than to try to keep an unbroken string of consecutive days writing. I had run out of steam and had been unable to push past the wall that I had run into enough to write a decent,coherent blog. Over the past week as circumstances,time,and my lack of energy have collided,I’ve found it difficult to be coherent. Many evenings I fell asleep with my fingers resting on the keys of my laptop as I worked on this blog. (It’s amazing how many z’s one can type when one’s finger presses down during sleep…) I am grateful for relatively simple things today:like sleeping in until 8 a.m. It was so glorious,I might have to try it again tomorrow and Sunday,if that’s not getting too greedy. Even after sleeping in so late–relatively speaking–I was still so tired driving home from an afternoon appointment that I had to really focus on keeping myself awake. I am grateful that I was able to get home in one piece. I am particularly grateful because driving while exhausted looks and behaves very much like driving while intoxicated,and can end just as badly. I’ve had many recent reminders of how driving in any kind of impaired condition can have serious consequences. I am grateful that after nearly 40 years of driving I’ve been able to remain safe and have had few incidents,accidents or other mishaps involving a car. I do plan on getting some more rest this weekend so I can feel comfortable and refreshed driving. I hope to get back into a routine this weekend and into next week. Several events and activities disrupted my “normal”flow of life over the past few weeks. I look forward to getting it back. I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. It feels like I need to be about the business of seriously figuring out my “what’s next”soon. A lot of things are in flux at the moment and I am looking to figure out how to settle things down. In the midst of all the transition,I’ll keep looking to gratitude as my anchor. It has held up pretty well so far,so I don’t reckon I’ll change it at this point. I am looking forward to reporting the positives that emerge over the next few weeks. Tonight I am grateful for the conclusion of one long,drawn-out,difficult process. For over a year the weight of a problem confronting someone very close to me has hung over us both. Today,somewhat unexpectedly,it resolved itself. Not perfectly,but resolved nonetheless. I am looking forward to at least one area of my life calming down now,the constant background noise associated with this situation finally quieting. And while there are a few lingering elements floating around out there,for the most part,the major drama is over with. I am grateful for each of us that this particularly difficult chapter has concluded. There are a few other areas in my life that I am hoping will resolve soon. My plan is to take positive,affirmative steps in a particular direction and seeing where that leads me. Now that my daughter is home for part of the summer,she and I can spend some time getting things organized and ready for our mother-daughter trek to Seattle for the start of her graduate study. We have about two months to get her ready. I expect that will be a lot of fun,if a little bittersweet as I prepare to put more physical distance between us than we’ve ever experienced. It was inevitable,of course–children do grow up and move away from their parents. Still,it’s going to be a little odd. It’s also quite likely that I’ll be helping to get my son ready to head out to school sometime in the next few months. So,we’re headed into more times of transition. We ought to be good at those by now! As I continue writing my morning journal,my daily haiku and this blog,I am hoping that my gratitude muse shows up and grants me continued inspiration to keep writing. The past week I have been overwhelmed by scheduling types of things and have gotten little rest. I am looking forward to “sleeping in”tomorrow,perhaps rising as late as 7:00 or 7:30. Eight o’clock would be pure heaven. For yet another night I have found myself asleep at the keyboard so I will remove this appendage from my lap and take my rest. I am grateful for the love and support of friends and family that sustains me through difficulties. And I am likewise grateful when I can likewise offer my love and support for them. It works like that. Tonight as I take my rest it will be with one less burden on my mind and heart than I did when I woke this morning. I look forward to letting even more of them go as time moves along. I look forward to sharing those triumphs in this blog. In the meantime,I will keep searching for,finding,and expressing my gratitude for the many wonderful blessings in my life. What are you grateful for this evening? Another long day spent in concentration,focus and thinking,interspersed with long minutes of waiting for the next part of the proceedings to occur. And in those waiting in between times I spent time reading a book about the science of gratitude. It’s all rather interesting reading about the health benefits of being grateful. I’m only a few chapters in so I don’t have the full grasp of where the whole book is going to take me,but it’s always nice to learn that one is on the “right”track with something. And when it comes to the practice of gratitude,there are few to no downsides. So that’s all good. I can hardly keep my eyes open and it’s only 9 pm. here on the “left coast.”I have to go out to pick my son up from work after 11 p.m. So I have a while to wait yet. I am grateful to have the modicum of energy that I do have. It is just enough sometimes to be able to share. I’ve expended a good deal of energy lately helping to keep a friend’s spirits up who is going through a hard time. It’s difficult to watch someone you love struggle,particularly if there’s little you can actually do about their situation. Sometimes the best you can do is offer as much support as you can and keep them encouraged,even if that means you use up all your energy in the process. So I try to refuel as best I can so that I have something left in the tank for all of us. It’s kind of like those instructions they give you on the airplane when they say put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting anyone else:I’ve got to make sure I have energy for myself if I hope to be any good to anyone else. I am grateful that though my reserves have gotten a bit depleted,they’re not exhausted yet. I am strategizing on how to re-energize myself when the current crisis conditions have passed and life resumes with some degree of relative calm. I am grateful as always for some very basic things:family and friends who love me;a love of reading and learning and the opportunity and ability to do both;physical ability that allows me to move at will and with little or no pain or difficulty,and so much more. I am grateful to have a spiritual belief system that I have been able to fall back on from time to time when things have felt particularly difficult. I am grateful for routine activities that keep me grounded:my morning journal writing and my evening blog,even my “haiku a day for May”helps give me an anchor that keeps me connected to the here and now. These are things I will continue to appreciate having as part of the richness of my life. There are many,many things for which I am grateful. May I continue to be so. What are you grateful for this evening? Is it possible to be too tired to be grateful? I suppose it could be,though that sounds like a pretty weak excuse for not writing one’s gratitude list/journal/blog. I am grateful this evening for rising to the occasion,whatever the occasion happens to be. There are some days when it seem as though Murphy’s law is in full force and if it can go wrong,it does. But at the end of the day there are still more reasons to be hopeful than despairing,to be grateful than grudging,to keep trying rather than giving up. My life is far from perfect (really far!) and it’s not easy,but every day there is good and most days I don’t have to look too hard to find it. I know that it’s an oft-repeated theme of this blog,and it is so for a reason:when I look for things to be grateful for,I find them,which gives me the motivation to keep looking for them and continuing to find them. It’s simply the way things work. This week has already had some tiring and trying moments,and it’s only Tuesday. Nevertheless,as I work to maintain a sense of equanimity throughout this week,I am also reaching toward those small moments throughout the course of the day that bring a sense of gratitude,peace,wonder,and healing into my life. Today I sat in an unlikely place for finding many of those things–a serious proceeding with implications for the health and wellbeing of a person dear to my heart. How these next few days go will have an impact on the next period of his life. It is no small thing. And yet,even in the midst of the tension and drama I am finding moments of calm. For that I am exceedingly grateful. And while I am expressing gratitude,I want to give a shout out to my son,who has been through some challenges of his own that parallel those that I went through in 2011. As I was going through my traumas and dramas,he was experiencing difficulties of his own. Though he would probably say that he hadn’t managed particularly well,I would say that he has acquitted himself admirably,all things considered. And though he doesn’t always keep his cool through everything,he has shown significant grace under pressure. He has room to grow,but has already grown tremendously,almost in spite of himself. In the days and weeks ahead he’s got to push through a few more challenges on his way toward figuring out his own “what’s next,”but I’m confident he’ll find his way through. I hope that gratitude becomes part of the light illuminating his path. We shall see. Over the next few days my writing will be more brief,fewer words and perhaps not achieve my ever hoped-for coherence. But I do commit to continuing to offer at least simple gratitude on a daily basis and hope that it has a positive impact on those of you who read and respond to it. I will continue to write,as best I can,throughout this week’s challenges and will report on the moments of grace and gratitude that I experience along the way. Begging pardon this evening. This has been one long day,the continuation of those that went before and those that will surely come after,beginning tomorrow. I am grateful for the love and concern of friends and family. These days I wrap myself in it like a blanket and can rest in it. While I might prefer life to be easier,and I definitely do,it is a true testament of the care that they have for me that in the midst of truly trying times,they show up. Tonight I received a much-needed pep talk from one of my brothers. Toward the end of the conversation he said,“You know how we are…”and he saluted me,just like the photograph we each have of my father saluting. The photo is situated on a shelf directly across from my bed–I see it when I first wake up and it is one of the last things I see before I go to sleep. “We don’t give up,”he reminded me,then shrugging went on to say,“whether we like it or not,we keep going. It’s who we are.” He’s right of course. We don’t give up. We may get tired and sometimes have to do whatever it takes just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But we don’t give up or quit. I do think there are times when it’s alright to surrender,when it’s alright to stop fighting against a particular situation or circumstance,stop trying to swim upstream and simply let go and see where the flow takes you. I see that as being very different from giving up,though as weary as I am tonight,I would be hard pressed to come up with a coherent explanation. Being that I fell asleep twice while writing this blog,and that it is almost tomorrow,I believe I will sign off. I am reminded that when difficulties arise,I need to remind myself that this too will pass. I have my challenges,many of which pale in comparison with what others endure and some of which some other person somewhere couldn’t imagine dealing with. What is difficult and unendurable for one person is daily life for someone else,and circumstances that might seem “but a light affliction”might seem incredibly harsh to someone else. It really all is relative. Tonight I choose to deal with whatever may come my way with as much grace as I can muster and to hold in compassion those for whom life is unbearable. George Washington Carver said,“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,compassionate with the aged,sympathetic with the striving,and tolerant of the weak and the strong —because someday you will have been all of these.”So true,Dr. Carver,so true. May we all be free from suffering and the root of suffering. May we know happiness and the root of happiness. So be it! Mother’s Day 17 years ago was the last two-way conversation I had with my mother. She’d been diagnosed with lung cancer in December 1994 and by April of 1995 it had metastasized to her brain. By May 14 she was somewhat weary from chemotherapy and radiation,but had looked forward to the Mother’s Day holiday. We had all gone to Mass that Sunday morning. Two of my three sisters had traveled from Washington DC to spend the holiday with her and I’d driven down from Michigan. With my two brothers and my dad and assorted grandchildren,she was able to celebrate Mass the same seats we’d occupied as a family over the course of many years in the Parish. After Mass we’d gone over to one of my brothers’homes for brunch. With all the pandemonium at the house and excitement from earlier in the day,Mom was exhausted and had gone back to one of the bedrooms to lie down and rest. I took my guitar in to her room and asked if I could sing a song for her. “I wasn’t able to get you a gift,”I told her,“but I have a song for you.” I proceeded to play a song that I had written for her back in 1978. I had found a poem that she had written for her mother 40 years earlier and set it to music. When I’d first played it for her,she’d cried and told me how beautiful it was. “It is beautiful,”I agreed. “They’re the words you wrote for your Mother back in 1938.”She had been astonished,and I think a bit pleased. I was pleased myself,as “Mama’s Song”turned out beautifully and to this day is a favorite of mine. So playing it for her again,tears again rolled out from her tired eyes. “I love this song. It always connects me to my mother.”
“And it connects me to you and to her.”I agreed after I finished,laying my hand gently on her bald head.A little over two weeks later my mother died. She had suffered a stroke,a result of the cancer,and after lingering nearly a week,she passed out of this life. I was so happy to have sung for her that last time when she could hear and appreciate it. My sister Ruth and I sung,“Mama’s Song”at her funeral. It was beautiful,two of her daughters singing about the love that exists between mothers and daughters. My daughter and I now sing the song together,connecting her to me,to her grandmother,and to her great grandmother. And so it goes. Seventeen years later,I still miss my mother,though not as acutely as I had during those early years. I am grateful to have had her in my life for as long as I did,though surely wish I could’ve had her with me longer,especially to have seen her grandchildren growing up in to such fine young people. Still,I like to believe she watches over us and still smiles when she hears me singing her song. I’ve included the words to the song below. I had intended to record it and post it,but spent all day working today and was unable to get at it. Perhaps tomorrow. In the meantime,enjoy these 74 year old words. Mama’s Song As time chalks off another year and adds it to the past
Let us take a moment now to look at memories that last
At times we have spent together
At the joys both great and small
At the little incidents we’ve shared
From the time that I was small
Then too there are the troubles that we faced as one,not two
We would laugh to keep from crying as a mother and daughter often do
And now there is between us
A bond of love so fine
That no power on earth could change it
Over countless periods of time
Oh Mama,there are no words to express this feeling that I have for you
Well it’s very warm and bright and lovely but above all else it’s true.
Our memories may number many
But to me they’re all too few
I’ll always thank God in his kind ness
For giving me someone like you. © M. T. Chamblee,1978 © M. T. Chamblee,2012 What a day! As I predicted yesterday,today we had a long,good day. I spent the entire day preparing for,driving to,and participating in various celebrations associated with my daughter Michal’s graduation from college today. Up and at ‘em at 6 a.m. and on the roady by 7,at her apartment at 8 and on campus at 8:15 for the ceremony which started at 9 a.m. Joined by her father and our friend Patrick,we stood (there were waaaaaay more people than seats at the place so we couldn’t sit anywhere near the stage) in various places catching pieces of the two and a half hour ceremony and I managed to catch a glimpse of the graduate as her name was called and suddenly she was on her way back to her seat. We went back and hung out in the quad area,waiting for things to conclude and for her to reappear in the flesh,having commenced,flipped her rainbow tassel from right to left,and readying herself to head off to celebrate. I am grateful for being present at today’s event and to bear witness to the culmination of her four years of hard work,triumphs and tragedies,heartbreaks and headaches,friendships and mentorships,interesting classes and dull ones,good professors and awful ones,etc. It is gratifying to watch this person whom I brought into the world and helped shape and mold (as well as periodically mess up) truly grow and blossom and come into her own during her time in college. I am very proud of her. Like me,she has had to persevere through some fairly significant challenges over the past couple of years,and in spite of it all not only finished her undergraduate degree,but finished it strong. Unlike me,she has a pretty clear path to her “what’s next,”and will head off to graduate school near the end of the summer.  Mother and Daughter at Graduation,May 12,2012 It is definitely an exciting time,yet also a little bittersweet. Commencement is about beginnings,and there’s no doubt that my daughter is off on a new adventure. I have no sense of being left behind by any means;my daughter and I are very close and will no doubt talk often and remain deeply connected as mothers and daughters often are. But we will no longer enjoy the physical proximity of being an hour’s drive away as we do now. We will adjust in the same way that we did when Michal first went away to college a whole hour away from home. Commencement is a transition time. I noted a lot of side conversations as I passed graduates and their families–some students still seeking employment,talk about repaying student loans,worries about having to move back home while they figure out what’s next. For our little family of three–Jared,Michal,and me–it does mean some shifts in our family configuration as each of us takes steps,some tentative and uncertain,others confident and excited,toward our individual “what’s next.”As a single parent,I am swiftly headed toward “empty nest”syndrome. That will be an interesting transition point for me as well. Though it isn’t quite here yet,it’s a whole lot closer than it was a few months ago. I am grateful for spending this day celebrating my daughter. She deserves to be celebrated. In a few short months,she and I will pack up her car and I will drive with her up to Seattle to settle her into her apartment and her new life as a graduate student beginning work on her masters degree. I find myself thinking about the eagles whose nest I’ve been watching over the past several weeks. The pair of bald eagles and their three eaglet offspring provide an interesting distraction as I check in on them at least once per day. The creator seems to be whispering to me that my time of brooding over,guarding,feeding,and caring for my “children”is winding down. I look at the pictures of the lovely young woman who is my daughter and smile,“Time to fly,little eagle.” I find myself once again wordless. Many feelings and emotions bubbling there,dancing just beneath the surface,but I don’t really want to give voice to them tonight. Tonight is one for simple gratitude. I am grateful for the audiobook I’ve been listening to. The writer’s turn of a phrase and the narrator’s rich accent takes me into the heart of the story and I found myself smiling and commenting aloud in my car as I listened. I didn’t smile much today,so I am grateful for having those moments. Even recalling them now puts a smile on my face. Tomorrow I will have a bit more to say I believe,and perhaps a few pictures to share. Tonight,I will say my prayers and go to sleep. I have an early morning and a long,good day tomorrow. More moments to smile about. I have said that gratitude doesn’t take a day off–as if gratitude were something with a will or mind of its own. What I mean is that my life is full of things for which I can be grateful every single day,there is not a single day when there is nothing for which I can give thanks. I do have my moments,however when I can’t fully articulate them. In that sense,gratitude needs my willing participation if it is going to be expressed in the world. For many of these 300+ days I’ve been writing this blog I have not felt good or happy or even particularly blessed. But as I search,I always find it. Tonight is no exception. Life is hard for me right now,and I am learning to find ways to be grateful and hopeful and resilient in the midst of all the drama. When life gets easier I hope I don’t stop writing this blog or finding ways each day to express my gratitude for my life and the things that add richness to it. I trust the people around me to keep me going. I can remember at one point telling one of the faithful daily readers of this blog that I was going to stop writing it. He said to me,“I need me some Lessons in Gratitude!”The implication in his words was that I couldn’t stop writing,he depended on reading it each day. I was mildly amazed as I hadn’t realized he read it at all,let alone every day. So,I will keep writing,as best I can,for as long as I can. Even,and perhaps especially when it’s hard. Thanks for giving me another reason for me to keep at it. I will close,as I have before with a prayer that I now often read at night. I find it comforting. Perhaps you might as well. God. It is night.
The night is for stillness.
Let us be still in the presence of God.
It is night after a long day.
What has been done has been done;
what has not been done has not been done;
let it be.
The night is dark.
Let our fears of the darkness of the world and of our own lives rest in you.
The night is quiet.
Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,
all dear to us,and all who have no peace.
The night heralds the dawn.
Let us look expectantly to a new day,
new joys,new possibilities.
In your name we pray.
Amen.From A New Zealand Prayer Book – He Karakia Mihinar o Aotearoa. Originally published:U.K.:W.Collins Publishers,1989. © M. T. Chamblee,2012A long,relatively good day today. (That is not a complete sentence,I know.) I think I haven’t been sleeping very well,so I am actually quite sleepy. I have an early day tomorrow morning,though,so as tempting as it might be to stay up late and watch an interesting show on television that comes on at 10,I think I’ll pass tonight. This is one of those evenings when I stare at the computer screen willing myself to begin typing,hoping that I have something that I want to say. The truth is,I am nearly at the end of what has been an emotionally draining week. The weekend is already loaded with activities,beginning with a meeting of sorts tomorrow and next week,the outcome of which will help determine the what’s next for my son,and might help me along with figuring out my what’s next. On Saturday morning,my daughter graduates from college. Her father and I will go watch her cross the stage and then we’ll celebrate her and her accomplishments. She will be home for part of the summer before heading off to her what’s next–graduate school in Seattle. I plan to help her load up her car and drive her up there then fly back to wherever my what’s next is. And then Sunday is Mother’s Day,which I fully expect to be a low-key,uneventful,typical Sunday. I will no doubt write about these events as they unfold. All are significant and each will have elements of gratitude woven throughout,so I imagine I’ll have no shortage of things to write about. Tonight I am simply grateful for the ability to draw a deep breath,allowing the oxygen to flow through my temporarily able body. Grateful that my fingers can move freely and without pain across the keyboard,that my hands and arms move the way I want them to,and that I can feel the weight and the heat of my laptop as it rests on my lap. I am grateful for a mind that,for the most part,is clear and capable of coherent thought,of communication,of creativity. I can hear the whirring of the fan sending the cool air tickling across my body as I sit here. “I am wonderfully and fearfully made,”the writer says,which to me speaks to this amazing and complex collection of cells called the human body. I am grateful for each part working,for the most part,how it’s supposed to work. I do not take this for granted. I also note the things that perhaps don’t work as well as they used to,or don’t look as neat and trime as they once did. This is the temporary part of “temporarily able bodied.”And that’s alright,it is as it should be. I am grateful. I am going to go write my haiku now. I am writing a haiku a day for the month of May. Most of them probably aren’t that good–I am not sure I am following the proper form,rules of gramar and syllables,etc. But it is a simple thing to do. I committed to doing it and do it I will. These are small things that keep me anchored in the present moment–my morning journal,my daily haiku,my evening blog. Unplanned and unrehearsed,they are small tokens of self expression. There is no acclaim save the occasional comment,no notoriety gained from these writings. They are for me and they are not for me. And it’s all good. What are you grateful for this evening,and how do you express it? | |
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