Tonight I am a bit tired, so I will take my rest shortly. Outside my window this evening, I can hear the rumble of thunder–an unexpected sound as we don’t have many thunderstorms in the Bay area. It has been an odd sort of spring–usually the rains come in December and January and the greening of the hills and all things spring happen beginning in mid to late February. We are instead getting our rain in March and April, and are still at only about 55 percent of normal. Still, the rain is a good thing and we’ll take what we can get.
I am grateful to be at the end of a relatively productive day. I worked a bit in slow motion at times today; I felt sleepy and sluggish at times. In spite of that, I managed to make some progress on both of the projects I’ve been contracted to work on. For the most part the people I am working for have seemed pleased with the work I’ve done, and though I haven’t always known the details of the work I’m doing, I know enough to pull things together and deliver them to the folks who need the information. It’s not work that I studied or “trained” to perform, but it is work that meets an important need for a community of underserved people. I don’t think I’ve found my next career, but I am grateful for work that I can do, that uses some organizational skills I’d forgotten that I’d had, and pays more than unemployment benefits. It also buys me time to remain out here in California so I can see to the disposition of my kids, both of whom are in the midst of transitions of sorts.
Nearly a year ago, as I contemplated what I was going to do after having been laid off from my job, I made a commitment to staying put in California for at least a year until my daughter graduated from college. As the months went by and I couldn’t find work locally and our financial situation got increasingly precarious, I began looking for work out of the state. As fate and the really bad job market would have it, none of the out of state jobs panned out, though I was a finalist for two different positions back in the midwest. While this was frustrating and disheartening, it also allowed me to be here to help my kids with different issues and challenges confronting each of them. We are now nearly at the finish line in some ways: my daughters graduates from college in May and with any luck some of the challenges my son is facing will likewise be situated before summer’s out. My reasons for having to remain in California will be resolved; if I stay out here it will be because I choose to, not because I feel like I need to.
Much remains up in the air in my life at the moment. But every day I feel like I am getting closer to clarity and settledness. If I can only keep myself calm in the midst of some of the current chaos and hold onto a measure of faith, with a dash of hope thrown in then when things finally settle into place I can exhale and move into the next phase of my life. Continuing to practice gratitude and generosity, offering compassion and kindness, walking steady and reaching out to others in the midst of turmoil are at least part of the remedy. And leaning on and resting in the love of family and friends, being buoyed by the prayers of persons known and unknown to me all helps as well. I am so very grateful for you.
