I am filled to overflowing this evening. This is a rare thing for me these days, so I am definitely savoring it. I am grateful for many things, so let’s get right to it.
First of all, I’m truly grateful to each of you who read this blog and comment (and even those who don’t comment.) I started writing this blog for me. Now I write it for both (each) of us. Things are happening in me at a deep level–I’m not fully aware of what’s occurring, but I can feel a shift. And I am exceedingly grateful for that. You’re with me on this journey and I am grateful for the connection.
Today started out in rather normal fashion, I got up and did pretty much my regular morning thing, which now includes mindfulness practice–meaning I pay attention to what I am doing rather than mindlessly wandering through the day. I really pay attention to and savor my morning coffee, a daily ritual I’ve enjoyed since I was a young child drinking coffee (mostly milk and sugar with a little coffee thrown in) with my mother. In later years I drank morning coffee with my own children. Most mornings these days it’s just me and the dog as my son is still asleep. Anyway lately I’ve taken focused intentional time to really enjoy my coffee.
After coffee I took a walk with my friend Mary and my dog Honor. We went to a local park that’s situated right on the San Pablo Bay (which is connected to the San Francisco bay). It was a perfect day to walk and be in thoughtful conversation with a good friend. I a grateful to Mary for many things. Today I was reminded what a good and thoughtful listener she is, guided by a good sense of humor and grounded in a steady kind of faith. It was helpful to me during our walk today to be able to talk through some of the questions in my mind about what I’m doing and what I want to be doing in the future. Sometimes thinking out loud with a friend can get you a whole lot farther than thinking things through in your head–especially if your head is particularly muddled as mine can be at times.
I had two other clarifying experiences this evening. First was a visit to my therapist, which was very helpful. It provided me with a gauge, a barometer if you will, of how I am doing emotionally. A few months ago I dragged into see her, depressed and confused and grieving. And while I still have my struggles, the past few weeks in the chair have felt a lot different, like I have turned a corner of sorts.
Then tonight another piece clicked into place. For the first time I can recall, I sat in on a weekly meditation group. The first part of the gathering was a sitting, silent, 30-minute meditation during which we were to focus on our breathing. Those who have done meditation for a time know this is a very basic, simple practice. Simple yes, easy no. You focus on your breathing in and out and when your mind wanders, as it invariably does, you simply bring your attention back to your breathing. I probably burned 600 calories for all the times I had to drag my vagabond mind back to my breathing. Near the very end of the meditation we offered loving kindness prayers, first for ourselves and then to those we know and love and eventually out to the entire world. The remainder of the session was spent with the teacher sharing reflections on the theme of having an awakened mind.
I felt such an expanded sense of compassion and love that it stayed with me for the rest of the evening. And the time in meditation solidified something I’ve known for a long time. I am called to be a teacher. In immediate, practical, I-need-to-get-a-job terms, I have no idea what that means. But that sense of calling is very clear. There’s a saying that “the teacher will appear when the student is ready.” I’ve had the experience that when I needed to learn something, a teacher of one sort or another would show up. Well tonight, the teacher showed up and she is me. I’m looking forward to learning the wisdom that she has to share.
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