“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t…” That is how I characterize those days that haven’t been so great. Today wasn’t a bad day per se–nothing precipitous happened, no bad news came in the mail, everything was pretty much unchanged from earlier in the week. Today was just one of those days that I have from time to time when I feel weighed down by the circumstances I find myself in and I can’t seem to shake the gloom that has settled on me. It started literally and figuratively as a rainy, blustery day and my mood was rainy and blustery–anxious and struggling. As the day progressed, both the weather and my energy improved and the sun broke through. In session today my therapist reminded me of things that I already know: that I’ve persevered through some particularly trying times, that whenever I’ve needed something to come through for me it has, and that everything is going to be alright. I would do well to remember those things, but on occasion I get buried under life worries and need a reminder that I have taken some pretty hard shots over the last year, endured difficult circumstances, and have come through them with my heart, mind and spirit relatively intact. It reminds me of the line from the poem, “Invictus” which I have shared in this blog many times, “In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody, but unbowed..”
I think I could say that I have suffered the bludgeonings of chance and yep, I’ve been pretty battered and bruised by some of the circumstances I experienced. But for the most part, my head is unbowed, in the sense that I have bent but not broken by the typhoons that have blown through my life. I am grateful once again this evening for the wellspring of perseverance and resilience that continues to bubble up to sustain me as I walk this current path. It has not been easy and at times, as I did this morning, I bury my face in my towel and cry. But as Maya Angelou says,
Just like moons and like suns,With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Still, I’ll rise. That’s the message and language of resiliency. I am grateful to have come from a long line of people who bounced back from adversity. As I study my family history I am learning about what my ancestors must have endured and overcome to emerge as teachers, business people, entrepreneurs, and leaders in their communities. I could look at myself and my current circumstances and make harsh observations about why I am where I am at this moment, or I can recognize these setbacks as opportunities to make necessary changes in my life. I might not fully understand the lessons I am being taught in this moment, but as best I can I am striving to learn and grow from everything that’s going on around me in this present moment.
Earlier today I was working on the introduction to the book I’m writing about gratitude and went back to read some of the earliest posts from this blog. I realized that on day two of Lessons in Gratitude I was talking about perseverance. For me, perseverance and gratitude have been closely linked. I have been grateful to have persevered through the difficulties of the last several months of my life, and that perseverance has helped make me a more grateful person. And while I am anxious to move forward into a more positive, less anxiety-producing space in my life, I am grateful to be developing a sense of equanimity with what is in the current moment. As for those days, those times when I’m not feeling so great, “Mama said there’ll be days like this.” You learn to take that and roll with it. So be it!
