Yahoo, how good it is to be at week’s end. In recounting some of the week’s events with my friend Mary, with whom I hadn’t had my weekly check-in breakfast in a couple of weeks, I told her I’d cried a lot in the past week. Mary doesn’t read this blog, (unless I point out a particular one I want her to see) so she isn’t as aware of some of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune this past week has contained. Of course, this past week doesn’t necessarily look much different than some weeks I’ve had, so though I didn’t check in with her, she recognizes the patterns. I am quite grateful for Mary and her husband Lamar who have been such good friends over the past year. Mary and I had become friends through our work together, but my friendship with her and subsequently her family has deepened more recently.
Among the many valuable lessons I’ve learned throughout the tumult of 2011 was how to open myself up and be more willing to show my vulnerability to others. I have always been introverted, being relatively quiet and shy; but even more than that am a very private person. I keep my business to myself and work hard to figure my own way through whatever challenges present themselves. The influence of familial and societal culture, as well as some hard knocks along the way seemed to underscore the value of learning to rely on oneself and not necessarily trust others, particularly if it meant showing your “weaknesses.” So for me to share the various vicissitudes of my life with anyone other than close members of my family (and not even some of them) is fairly unusual for me. I had almost always been the one to whom people told their troubles to and helped them think through issues and problems, offering a calm, listening ear and sage advice. The shoe being on the other foot felt quite odd for a while until I got hold of myself reminding myself that no one could help me if they didn’t know something was wrong. Which of course highlights another important lesson learned, that of learning to ask for help. Yep, I wasn’t too good at that one either.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be good at asking for help (or its corollary asking for what I need); but I have gotten a lot better. Fearful of being a pest, a moocher, someone who people hate to see coming because she pesters them for things, I have stoically kept my needs to myself. But that has eased significantly. And what I realized in the process is that learning to receive from someone else offers them a gift of sorts, particularly if it is someone whom I have helped in the past. When I help other people, as I’ve done throughout most of my life, it’s kind of like a deposit in a karmic bank; it comes back in some form or another. And while getting something back has rarely been my motivation for doing things for people, I believe that as I continue to open up and reach out for assistance, assistance will come from one place or another. I am grateful for this.
These have been some of the most difficult days I’ve experienced in many years, and my life continues to be far from stable and orderly. But I remain grateful for the many valuable lessons I’m learning and the wisdom I’m gaining about how to interact with the world, about how to open my heart and let other people in. It’s apparently not as scary in here as I’ve tried to make out–to them or to myself. I also remain grateful for those few close friends and family who are with me, as best I allow it, as I walk this path toward my what’s next. While I’ll be glad to see the other side of things I’m grateful to be standing strong in the midst of the unknown and smiling.
