Sometimes when I have so many things to do, I play on Facebook and do everything but what I said I needed to get done. This procrastination/avoidance syndrome is not new or unique to me. I daresay we all suffer from it to some degree or another. Nevertheless, I have decided to buckle down and apply myself to trying to accomplish at least one or two things (this blog included) before I go pick up my son from work then rest my head for the night. I am grateful for the fuel that keeps me going from day to day. Though I’m not always sure what it is that motivates me on any particular day, I only know that when I reach into my bag needing some energy or motivation or strength or whatever so I can once again stand up against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I always have something to pull out.
I do not take this lightly or for granted. Even when I sit sobbing into my “crying towel,” a part of me remains calm, knowing that when the storm has subsided, even if my circumstances have not changed one bit, I will somehow be alright. And so today, I got up, wrote in my journal, and got on with my day. I must confess to being somewhat cranky in the early part of the day, but even that eventually subsided and I managed to have a relatively productive day at work and a calm evening here at home. Considering my disheveled, distraught state of mind yesterday, this was a pretty dramatic improvement. I am looking forward to an even better day tomorrow. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the dramas and traumas of the past year it has been to be kind and patient with myself as I walk this path. I have freaked out and calmed down a hundred times, soaked my crying towel more times than I can count, dragged myself out of depression and despair to land on my two feet, stand strong, bend without breaking and even having the nerve to laugh about it all.
Even in the midst of a complete meltdown, justifiable funk, or well-earned temper tantrum, I know that whatever is eating me will subside. I am hard pressed to describe how I know this, but I do. It’s a kind of grace, an understanding that I have with the Creator that no matter what else I feel at a given time, my heart always turns back toward the Divine with love and gratitude. Sometimes, even that makes me angry! I want to be pissed off at God for the predicament in which I find myself. I rail at God knowing that her “shoulders” are big enough to handle my anger until it passes and I am myself again. I learned about the goodness and grace of the divine not during those times when I was praying and singing hymns and doing all the “right” things. I learned more about divine grace when I’ve been grieving and hurt and angry and cursing at God at the top of my voice only to return to gratitude and love when I’ve calmed down. No, I don’t take any of this for granted, but I’m so grateful that it’s there.
I’m still waiting for all the good things that are coming. And there will be times ahead when I might yet fret about all of the unknowns that are the hallmark of my current existence. But I’m getting the hang of this living in the moment thing. I really have no other choice, and for now, that’s alright. Til it all gets sorted out, I’ll continue to navigate life’s challenges with a grateful heart. Thank you for being along with me and bearing witness.
One Response to Lessons in Gratitude Day 298