Amazing to be at the end of another week. It really is amazing and frightening how quickly time is passing. I’m aware that I just wrote about this a few days ago–perhaps it was last Friday or Saturday as I was lamenting the blurring passage of another week. And now here we are again.
This I’m afraid is another one of those nights when I don’t have much oomph for writing.
In spite of the fact that I have very little energy for writing, I am nonetheless grateful. I had a good day today punctuated by hanging out with my kids first for lunch and later on for light refreshments. Sandwiched in between those two lovely events was a less-than-lovely one in which I yelled at my son. It was one of those moments when he’d said something that pushed the wrong button and I let him have it. I rarely have those moments; I try to remain as composed as possible throughout much of what happens during the course of any given day. But today was one of those moments when the wrong thing was said at the wrong time and suddenly, I lost it.
My son is not a child–he is nearly 24 years old–so this was not child abuse; but I was very sharp with him and said a few things I wish I hadn’t. Because we were in the car we were–all three of us–a very captive group. By the time we’d arrived at where I was dropping him off, I had calmed and, while I didn’t apologize, I tried to behave in a more conciliatory manner. I of course felt pretty bad, though in some ways I felt better at having expressed my anger, some of which had been building over a period of time. Still, it probably came at him like a bolt from the blue (hence my remorse), and fortunately it didn’t last very long. By the time I’d run the errands my daughter and I had to run he’d called and asked if we wanted to meet up as we were headed home and join him for a drink. (I’m still getting used to my kids drinking…) When we met up and sat down together it was as if we hadn’t had a verbal altercation a few hours earlier and that I hadn’t said mean and angry things. I’m not sure if it was an olive branch or if he was forgiving and forgetting or what was going through his head, but we seemed none the worse for having “fought.”
I love both of my kids a lot. I probably won’t ever win any awards for my parenting skills, though I’ve done the best I could over the years, particularly as a single parent. But I am grateful that my kids have turned out pretty well, sometimes because of and other times in spite of the “home training” they received from me. And as I become aware that the time is shortly approaching when I will have an “empty nest” and both my kids will be seeking their fortunes in a place where I am not, I want to appreciate, value, treasure each of these times that I have with them. I’m not interested in being estranged from them in any way for any period of time. I hope my son isn’t feeling bad about what happened or suffering any ill effects from my having yelled at him. I likewise hope that my daughter who was witnessing this from the back seat of the car wasn’t too distressed by the temporary tension that had flared up between her brother and me. I think at the end of the day everything is alright.
I have been thinking about and working on practices that help me develop a deeper sense of gratitude for the important things in my life, as well as working on principles of compassion, lovingkindness, joy and equanimity. Outbursts like I had today remind me that I am still very much a work in progress and I have much longer to go than I’d like. Nevertheless, my task is to do the very best I can and then learn to let go of and forgive myself for the mistakes along the way. It is all part of being human. May we all be free from suffering and the root of suffering. So be it!
