Lessons in Gratitude Day 340

I have said many times how grateful (and gratified) I am that people read this blog. I think about it, write it, think some more, re-read it, edit it, say grace over it and send it on its way. And people read it. That’s pretty cool. And even people who don’t read it, know that I do it and that also is pretty cool. Today my friend was telling me that she and her daughter and a friend had been talking about a variety of interesting topics the other night when one of them made a statement, “I am just grateful that I am not (a unicorn having a bad hair day).” Another one chimed in and said, “Hey, you should suggest that to Marquita and she can write about it in her gratitude blog about how she’s grateful to not be a unicorn having a bad hair day.*” Of course she hadn’t really said she was grateful to not be a unicorn having a bad hair day, I made that up versus what she really said, which might have been considered perhaps not quite suitable for this blog. I include the anecdote to because it helps me make two points, the first of which is that even people who don’t even read my blog know about it. Secondly, and this is the point of tonight’s post, I don’t spend much time at all writing about how I am grateful for not being something or another.

Some time ago I began working with the notion of trying to arrange my language in such a way that I removed as best I could the word “not” or any of it’s forms from my vocabulary. This meant trying to use different words than “can’t, don’t, won’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t…” You get the basic idea. I realized how often I defined things in terms of what I didn’t want instead of focusing on what I did. We are often very clear about what we don’t want to do, have, say, or be, but it gets a whole lot fuzzier when we have to describe what we do want. There’s a great career guidance book titled, “I Don’t Know What I Want, But I Know It’s Not This” that to me illustrates this concept nicely. In my own search for potential careers and potential other things, sometimes the decisions have been defined as much by something that’s not something else, rather than what it actually is. It’s kind of like the anti-hero, being more defined by what you’re not than by what you are. How often do people view the misfortune of another person with, “Well at least I don’t have it as bad as that person does.” or “It could be worse, I could be like so and so.” I remember dating someone once who said, “At least I’m not an ax murderer!” I remember exhaling and saying to myself, “Thank goodness.”

Even when confronted with a scary situation we tend to bravely utter, “I am not afraid!” But what am I then? I am courageous, I am confident, I am unshakable. What if instead of being against something, I am for its opposite? What if instead of being anti-war I was pro-peace? Instead of anti-poverty I were pro-prosperity? Anti-oppression versus pro-liberation?

How many times over the course of a day or week do I direct my speech in an anti affirmative (pro-negative) direction? If I took a tally of how often I used the word “not” or any of its contractions, I would imagine it could number in the dozens or higher. (I started to say, “I would not be surprised if it numbered in the dozens…” Sneaky how that “not” tries to show up.) I wish I were articulating this a little bit better tonight, because I believe it’s such an important idea. We spend so much time feeding ourselves a steady diet of not. And trust me, not is not very tasty (or another way to put that, “not tastes awful and lacks nutritional value…”).

I would like to issue a challenge to readers of this blog and I invite you to likewise challenge the people around you. For the next week, make a conscious effort to remove the word “not” and its many sneaky forms from your vocabulary. Find a positive, non-not way of saying what you’re trying to express. Be kind and gentle with yourself in this process–eliminating the “nots” can be quite challenging… and, quite a worthwhile exercise. Encourage yourself and those around you to find different, more positive ways to say things–you’ll find it’s quite possible to express the same sentiment with a slightly different spin. Keep at it (“don’t” give up!) and begin to pay attention to what happens as you do this. If you have a particularly interesting revelation, comment on this blog below, post it on Facebook, or send me an email (mtchamblee@walkinyourpower.com). I’ll share whatever gems and pearls of wisdom that people share with me. Come on! It’ll be fun (or It “won’t”  be bad.)