Sometimes I lie in bed and have to remember what day it is. This morning I woke and after thinking about it for a minute I said, “Okay, today is Sunday.” It can be a little disorienting sometimes not having a Monday through Friday 8 a.m to 5 p.m. standard, predictable work schedule. I do have a daily routine. I even have a quasi-weekly routine. But some mornings it takes me a minute to orient myself. I am not complaining, I am merely making an observation.
Earlier today, I was reflecting on a line from a song that begins, “The road is long, with many a winding turn/that leads us to who knows where? Who knows where?” I was thinking about this line in the context of my life journey. I’m definitely on the long road and there have definitely been many a winding turn and I definitely have no idea at the moment where it is leading. I am reminding myself that this is a journey, a process of moving forward. There really is nothing static about it–even people who are stuck in a rut are still moving along on the road of life. So I am learning to be as patient with myself as possible as I make sometimes very tiny halting steps in the direction I want to take in my life. There are temporary arrivals–times when we’ve reached a point, achieved something we were questing for–but there is no arriving, as in “I have arrived.” Patience, grasshopper, patience.
Today I had what I’ve come to call “a little fall apart.” I was allowing myself a little time, in conversation with my son, to express through tears some of my fears, regrets, worries and sadness. I don’t do it very often, let myself be that vulnerable to hardly anyone, especially not one of my children. I’ve written about this in an earlier blog–the idea that somehow, because I am a parent I have to be strong for and especially in front of my children. Jared took pains to remind me that he’s no longer a child and that my tears did not add to his stress or burden him. After a few more moments of conversation the storm had passed and we went on to talk about other things before he headed off to work.
After I dropped him off at work, I took a brief walk around a park close by his job. It’s a beautiful day here, like so many in the Bay area. So rather than drive straight back home, I walked. Lots of people were out, flying kites, walking dogs and children, playing games, sitting and enjoying the sun. I promised myself I would visit this park more often, particularly as I am so close to it on so many days of my topsy-turvy weeks. Beauty really is everywhere. I can choose to hurry by it and never stop to notice or I can savor it, drink from it as frequently as I choose. It can be as simple as stopping for a few minutes to walk outside or engage in whatever sensual (as in sense-filled) activity you can find. Look at something beautiful, eat something that tastes wonderful, feel the water of the shower flowing over you, listen to sounds that give you joy….etc.
Another moment of that for me today was enjoying a piece of music. I continue to be grateful for music and its ability to transport me to a different space. In searching for the right lyrics to the song I quoted earlier–do you recognize it?–I ran across a You Tube video of it. It was first released back in the late 1960s. You can see video from that era all the way into the 90s by the same lead singer. It’s kind of fun to watch him age through the various clips; but he sings the song with no less fervor at any of the ages. If anything it gets mellower and deeper in the newer versions. Take a listen to it and let it transport you through the lyrics, the sentiment…and if not this song, put something on that uplifts you, that makes you want to cry or dance or laugh or all of those things and more. And be grateful.
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