I finally got myself acclimated to Eastern Standard Time. Unfortunately I am back home on Pacific time. It is nearly 9:30 p.m. here, but my body feels like it’s nearly 12:30. Whew!
I am grateful this evening for perspective and for the ability to regain it when it falters. This morning I woke bone tired from my few days back East. It took me a long time to get myself going. I felt upon my return as if the weight of decisions and anxieties and drama dropped back onto me as I woke and tried to get my bearings this morning. For the first time in a little while I released this pressure through a good, long, howling cry. It didn’t last long; it didn’t need to. It’s like a sudden, wicked thunderstorm that blows up when a cold front passes through and collides with hot humid air: lightening flashes, thunder rumbles, rain and sometimes hail comes pelting down. And then, often just as suddenly, it is over and all the oppressive heat and heaviness in the air has been released. That’s how my little rainstorm was this morning.
And, as often happens, I felt better afterward. I got myself up, pulled myself together, and got on with my day. And even though I dragged around a little bit with the leftover exhaustion of travel, I was able to make it a pretty good day. We can be such interesting beings, humans. What is that quality that causes us to persist, to persevere in the face of difficulties and challenges? How is it that some people can withstand immense pressures, endure remarkable hardships, overcome incredible tragedy and grief, while others seem to fold in on themselves and are not able to tolerate even a fraction of the pain?
I would not say that I have faced tremendous hardships or tragedy. I am dealing with some challenges that cause me some degree of anxiety and stress; but they are not life threatening. And while I don’t want to minimize them–the stress levels in my life have ratcheted up to a higher level than I’ve faced in many, many years–what I am experiencing is not unendurable, it is manageable. And I am grateful to be developing the facility to handle what comes up. I definitely look forward to easier days, but in the meantime, I’ll continue doing the best I can to establish and maintain a sense of equanimity. I expect that sometimes I’ll totally fail and stomp around swearing and cursing my fate or wailing and sobbing into my crying towel, but for the most part, I am working on developing and strengthening my belief that everything is going to be alright.
It seems these days I haven’t quite managed to put time and energy together at the same time to engage in some creative projects I’d like to get off the ground. I have a children’s book I need to begin marketing to prospective agents, a nearly completed novel that I’d like to move toward completion, and a nonfiction piece on gratitude that I’ve barely begun outlining (but I have a few hundred pages of raw material to work with.) Yep, I’m looking forward to easier days ahead so I can regain my strength and energy and be able to do some fun stuff. In the meantime I am grateful for every weight I lift that strengthens my ability to persevere. I’ll no doubt still experience the occasional storm like I had this morning, but no matter how stormy the time the sun always comes back out and shines. So too in my life. And I am grateful.
