Sometimes all it takes is a small gust of wind to puff out the sails and move the boat out of the doldrums and back into the flow. I was floundering this morning in a sea of anxiety over all the obligations I am not meeting, all the work I have to do (and not a lot of time in which to do it), and the responsibilities I have undertaken that feel overwhelming. I awoke overly early (not having gotten enough sleep) and was freaking out a bit. I had my crying towel all ready and completely expected that at any moment I would start balling and hyperventilating. Suddenly in the midst of the handwringing and adrenalized rush of fear, I got the sudden, small gust of wind that blew me back on course. I remembered a resource that I had forgotten about that was going to allow me to do something I wouldn’t have been able to do. It wasn’t a major thing; all my current challenges weren’t resolved in one fell swoop, but it was just enough to break the momentum of the panic that had gripped me this morning. I am grateful for that.
Sometimes when it feels like everything is going haywire and I literally feel like my head is going to explode from all the pressures I’m facing at any given time, a little–sometimes tiny–thing happens that resets my equilibrium so that I don’t wobble and fall over. And while I spend a fair amount of time praying for somewhat larger doors to open up for me, I am nonetheless grateful for the windows that open just a crack that allow me to breathe a bit easier, if only for a moment or two. I believe that it is because of the gratitude practice that I’ve developed over this year that I even notice and recognize these small bursts of hope, opportunity, beauty, grace, etc. when they occur. I have learned that for where I am right now, these little gusts are what are sustaining me as I move in the direction of the larger opportunities.
It can be an exhausting process–things get really intense (as they have been in the last few months) and I go into handwringing, hyperventilating, wailing mode interspersed with moments of calm waiting, fatalistic numbness, or delirious hilarity. Then something will happen–an unexpected gift of help from a sibling, a sighting of incredible natural beauty, a moment of sweetness between me and my children, or any number of things–and I remember that I am going to be alright. My hope is that I’ll get to the point of remembering that before all the anxiety and fear and the attendant physical manifestations of panic set in. My body will thank me for it. In the meantime, I know that by engaging in gratefulness throughout the course of the day I will continue to see the mini-miracles that populate my life. They whisper to me, “Pay attention, Marquita. Everything is right here for you.” Pay attention indeed.
As I write this blog I am listening to music. This is unusual for me as I generally prefer to write in relative silence. I put on a playlist called “Assorted” and am hearing a folk song that is stirring my spirit. Another reminder to me about the power of music–not just any music my music. There is still something for me in my music. As I walk this path toward my “what’s next” I know that, while my more immediate path is far from clear, I need to remain connected to those parts of me that closely resonate with the core of who I am. I hope to soon get a “job” that will allow me to meet my financial obligations and do good work; however I must remain connected to those things that keep my spirit bright and alert. We shall see where I am led next. This much I do know: I will continue experiencing those small burst of breeze that gently blow me back on course when I have strayed. Tonight I celebrate those breezes and a grateful.
