I’ve started tonight’s blog three times now and keep backspacing and deleting what I’ve written. And I just deleted the second sentence I wrote after I finally wrote the first sentence. Not off to an auspicious start tonight. I am grateful tonight, but am not sure I have the energy to coherently communicate my thoughts. Over a year ago when I was inspired to begin writing a daily gratitude blog, I’m sure I thought it was a good idea. And it is a good idea to focus each day on the blessings in my life and express gratitude. But sometimes it’s hard to come up with an interesting way to express it. Over time it has gotten to be increasingly challenging. Nevertheless, here I am at it again.
Tonight I am grateful for will power. That thing that pushes me to keep at something even when I truly don’t feel up to it. This morning I woke much earlier than I wanted to, as often happens when I am anxious and have a lot on my mind. I struggled mightily with low energy, blue mood letdown from the long week, but I managed to get some work done, sometimes by sheer force of will. And sometimes that’s what it takes. I’ve written about this before, the persistence and perseverance required to push through the obstacles in front of me, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Often it isn’t graceful or pretty, but it’s effective and I’m grateful for it.
In the midst of times like I’ve experienced lately I would say that I cry almost every day. Many days I wring my hands and rub my forehead and wonder how I’m going to make it through all this. I wake up many mornings with my heart thumping and my stomach churning with anxiety. But every single day I also smile about something, most days I even find something to laugh at (not every day, but I’m working on it.) Every day I I express gratitude for something, usually for many things. I pray and extend good wishes for myself, for loved ones, for my neighbors who live near me every day, usually several times per day. So yes, things are hard. But in the midst of it all I have looked and will continue to look for the good each day, find it wherever I can, and express my thanks for it. I’m not quite sure how yet, but I know this practice is making a difference in my life.
So today I managed to accomplish a few things even while dragging around a bit with the blues. If tomorrow plays out anything like today, I might again have to pump myself up to get a few more things done. I might have to smile on purpose and make myself laugh even when nothing seems to be very funny. I might sigh and have to sit down a lot before willing myself back to my feet and back into action. While it’s not the most efficient or easiest way to live, for the moment it’s simply what is. I’m grateful tonight for will power, for whatever that quality is that keeps me going when I want to quit. I’m going to be counting on that heavily in the days and weeks to come and know that when I need it, it will be there for me. And for that I am exceedingly grateful.
