In case you missed it, I posted part one of today’s blog at around 11:30 this morning, Pacific Time. It was unusual for me to do that, but it was an unusual morning. The afternoon and evening have been more usual, which makes me even more grateful for the wonderful frame of mind I was in this morning. This evening has been quieter and more subdued, as has been the way of things and that is alright. As I work to stay in the moment whatever the moment presents, I am learning to be with what is rather than trying to push past it to get to something else. That is not easy, but at times I seem to have the hang of it. So I am grateful this evening for staying put and standing (or sitting) in the middle of discomfort if that is what the moment is presenting.
I am officially looking for a new place to live. At this moment (in this moment), I am unclear as to what city and state I’ll be residing in come September 1. A lot of things are going to have to happen in a fairly short period of time in order for me to move in an orderly fashion. I was talking with a friend this morning who was telling me she’d heard from some friends of hers–a couple–who’d left the state in search of employment elsewhere. They were back in the Bay area, she informed me…and living in their car. They had moved to Sacramento rather than stay in Berkeley because Sacramento is warmer at night. That was rather sobering. While I don’t believe I am in danger of having to sleep and live in my car, it is nonetheless sobering to hear about this couple who, like so many others across this city, state, and country, do not have options available to them at the moment. I do, however, have a whole lot of work to do and not a lot of time in which to do it to find myself a temporary living situation during this time of transition. So I have to stay on top of things and get the work done, enlisting help along the way as best I can.
I am slowly learning how to be with whatever is going on. I’ve said many times over the past month that I cry nearly every day. I look at it as a very healthy approach to dealing with what’s going on in any given moment. It’s a way of releasing the anxiety that builds up over a period of time. It allows me to, even if briefly, go to the edge of what’s troubling me and look over into the abyss, to tell myself scary stories about what’s going to happen to me and spinning out worst case scenarios faster than should be humanly possible. Stuff comes up, I experience what I’m feeling without trying to push it away or run from it, and then, as best I can I let it go. The key words are, of course, as best I can, which sometimes falls short of what I need it to be. But I press on through and in spite of it all.
What I am coming to discover, even in the midst of uncertainty, chaos and potential (albeit unlikely) catastrophe, is that essentially life is good, that when I have no basis for believing things will turn out well, I believe it nonetheless. Life is good. I embrace it and am happy to be alive. Over time I want to be much more fully alive, but for now, I’m going to enjoy the aliveness that I’m in the midst of right now. All I have is this moment–until the next one. I’d rather spend it in peace, love, and gratitude than in worry, depression and fear. And so that’s what I choose for this moment and the next…and the one after that. To the best of my ability, as best I can.
This life is an epic journey and I am participating in it. I lately have lamented that I am not doing many things that I want to do with and in my life. And yes, there is a growing list of things of those things. But I don’t want to expend time and energy wishing for a life I don’t have while not living the one I do. Oh yes, there are things I want to do–perhaps I’ll get to do them, perhaps not. In the meantime “with patience let me run the race that is set before me…” I am grateful for the hills and valleys, the streams and rivers and oceans, the trees and rocks and all the living things that fly, walk, crawl and slither above, on, or beneath the earth. They are all part of my epic journey and I’m going to enjoy them. So be it!
