Whew, it’s been long day, and even at nearly 11 p.m. it ain’t over yet. I am pleased to say that I pressed on and pushed myself to get some work done today. Every hour counts when you’re up against a deadline. Sometimes keeping myself moving and not sagging onto the sofa wondering how I was going to get everything done was a major accomplishment in and of itself. I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to get everything done today, just some things. I tend to forget that when overwhelm sets in. I had to remind myself to breathe several times over the course of the day, not allowing myself to dissolve into tears, but also acknowledging what I was feeling. It’s a delicate balance to strike–in some ways I have to be a drill sergeant, pushing myself to keep those feet moving, keep pushing, keep working to meet the objective. On the other hand, drill sergeants don’t tolerate tears particularly well (at least that’s what I’ve heard), so I have to be a patient, nurturing teacher, encouraging myself not to be sad or discouraged but to dry my eyes, blow my nose, take a deep breath and get back to it. It takes all the various parts of myself to keep me moving forward. I am grateful to have been able to get a fair amount done today, though from the disastrous look of the downstairs of my condo you wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell.
When I am juggling the types and number of things I’m juggling it is amazing that, for the most part, everything stays up in the air rather than crashing down around me. Of course, periodically I miss things or drop them or they collide with one another, but for the most part I am managing. I have long suffered from a bit of scatterbrainedness (now they call it ADD…) but under some of the stresses I’ve been under lately, plus the documented effects of menopause on memory, and other contributing factors, I’ve become even more scatterbrained in the past few months. Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my son waiting to go into a restaurant where we were joining friends for dinner. I looked over at him and suddenly experienced that odd sense that something was not quite right.
“Oh my gosh, son, you shaved your beard off!”“Um yeah, over a week ago…”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I told you two weeks ago that my new job required me to shave.” “Oh.”
Nevermind that I had driven my son to catch the train nearly every day in the last week, and that every day he hugs me goodbye. It took me a week to notice that his facial hair was gone (and I really liked his facial hair, so you’d think I’d have noticed it.) This lets me know that I need to create some time for myself to breathe and return to some semblance of mindfulness, as best I can. Yes, I have a lot going on; but somehow in the midst of it all I need to find time to slow my mind down and take in what’s going on around me. It’s definitely something worth working on as the wild and wooly weeks ahead unfold.
I’ve been living on the edge, dancing with uncertainty, riding the mechanical bull of life in the midst of chaos with a hint of murkiness thrown in for good measure. Things are coming to a head and I am holding on for dear life trying to keep my seat until the buzzer sounds and I can leap off the crazy thing. In the meantime, I plan on doing whatever I need to do to remain calm, as focused as possible (given the scatterbrainedness), and doggedly determined to keep myself moving.
So we shall see how the week unfolds. I am grateful to be standing strong (even when I’m sniffling and the drill sergeant starts yelling) and will do so even among the pressures of the coming week. A lot of things are happening so I can’t complain that my life is in any way dull. But gratitude and grace will anchor me in the here and now this week, so I need not worry or be overly anxious or sad. I might not know all the details of the plan, but I’m pretty sure there is one. So I’ll gratefully await the unfolding. Stay tuned!
