Last night I was determined to cross one thing off my to-do-list. I had been working pretty much all day, but when I’d looked at my list there was not a single item completed. Though I was up until almost 1 a.m., I managed to get finished one thing that I could cross off. Today I was determined not to fall into the same trap, but again, though I’ve worked pretty much all day, there are still more things on my list that are not completed than are. Of course, I also realized that the list wasn’t well written–a more effective list doesn’t just list tasks, it breaks the larger tasks down into doable chunks. When my list says, “clear off desks, throw away unnecessary papers, articles, etc.” it doesn’t take into account all the sifting and sorting that needs to happen in order to accomplish the task. After much sorting and tossing and creating file folders, etc. I still have massive piles of paper on my desk. While it is a much more manageable pile and I can see more of the surface of my desk than has been visible in months, the task far from complete. It could be somewhat disheartening if I allowed it to be, but I am not really allowing it. After a brief emotional thunderstorm early this afternoon, I settled into work with dogged determination.
I am grateful for such determination. It keeps me moving when I want to stop, it makes me stand up when I want to sit down, and to work when all I really want is to veg. I work on. There is almost no alternative to it, no other option to consider. So I put my head down and push forward. Much to do, not a lot of time. To be truthful, I have moments of complete and perfect panic. The weight of all my unknowing comes crashing in on me and I can’t see my way out. But then, just like an actual storm, it blows over and I find that I can move forward, though none of my unknowns are resolved. And though each storm wears me out a bit, I bounce back with enough energy to jump back into the fray and keep going. And while I’m taking a slight break to write earlier this evening than last night, I will get back to doing something to move the sorting/dejunking process forward.
Part of the challenge of trying to scratch things off of woefully inadequate to do lists is that when there’s so much to be done it’s hard to quantify just how much has been accomplished. I can look with some satisfaction at the boxes I packed today and the diminished piles on the desk and yet look at the mess downstairs and in other parts of the house and blow my breath out and shake my head. Still too much. Juggling multiple priorities–working during the week, job searching, and preparing to move out sometime soon to go somewhere that is yet to be determined. This is life on the edge. But I am by no means out here by myself. I recognize how privileged my life has been that I haven’t lived on this particular edge many times in my life. There are so many people who have navigated such challenging straits for the better part of their lives and who do so with grace, strength, and perseverance, attributes I have been attempting to cultivate over these months.
As I prepare to start a new week–the last week in the month of August–I am hoping to get some clarity about my next steps. But, if it doesn’t come, I’ll keep on walking, keep moving, keep getting stuff done. I have to. I like the slogan the Brits had during World War II that has come back into the public consciousness during the recent Summer Olympic games. “Keep Calm and Carry On,” was meant to encourage the British citizenry during times of uncertainty and fear. I think it’s a good reminder to me when I feel like I’m facing uncertainty and am definitely afraid. I have learned to soothe my own heart, calm my own fears, wipe my tears away and blow my nose, comforting myself as I would a child. We each carry within ourselves the capacity to calm ourselves, bolster our courage and help us to keep moving. The key is to approach ourselves with kindness and compassion. I know I might not get much more done tonight and potentially won’t cross anything off of my to-do list. But I can lay my head down to rest tonight knowing that I worked hard and did my best and I’ll get up tomorrow and do the same thing.
