Oh Lordy, what a day. I am still kind of shaking my head. No, there weren’t any particularly earth-shattering, bone-rattling events that happened, not exactly anyway. I can tell you that I went for a pretty wild ride on Mephistopheles (my pet name for the mechanical bull of life) and I stayed on for the full eight seconds before sailing through the air and landing neatly on my feet. Well, this is my metaphor and I am a fiction writer after all…
This morning, just after I’d finished my journal writing (which I wrote about the struggles with various realities I have to grasp about moving to a new relatively expensive place to live) I checked my email and saw I had received a quote from a potential moving company that so far exceeded what I am able to pay that I was nearly speechless. Nearly speechless, but not quite. I immediately flew into an emotional tirade: anger, tears, screaming, swearing, cursing God, etc. “Why isn’t anything EVER easy?” I screamed. (It was subdued screaming as it was still relatively early in the morning and I have neighbors to consider.) I had a pretty good tantrum for perhaps about 10 minutes–during which I sent a frustrated email to my sisters and my best friend and stomped back and forth across my bedroom. (Honor was so unnerved by this behavior that she skulked into hiding under my desk.) Then as usually happens, I calmed down, realizing that my problems are my own to solve. No one swooped in to save me, fix my problems, dry my eyes, and make everything alright. I still don’t have everything sorted out just yet about what I’m going to do, but I’m going to do something. I have to. It’s that simple.
I am grateful tonight once again for the resilience of the human spirit that allows us to bounce back from setbacks and roadblocks that occur in our lives. Sometimes it’s sheer act of will that causes me to push through all the challenges–actually my reaction to the challenges it what I am pushing through–and end up on a relatively even keel.
I took some steps toward solving my problem a bit later in the morning, and have yet more to do tomorrow morning. I managed, nonetheless to end the day in a much better place than I began it. So many sayings, quotes, song lyrics, bible passages have passed through my mind over the course of the day, each one offering insight into my current situation or encouragement that in fact this too will pass. We really do learn what we are made of only by going through some challenge, by being tested in some way. One could suggest that they’re perfectly content not knowing what they’re made of, and I can’t blame them. But I believe every human being has been tried in some way that challenges them and helps them realize that they are, that we are, somewhat more capable than we had first believed. Some of us have probably earned our PhDs many times over in the school of hard knocks, but I somehow believe I am better for it, having been sharpened and honed, forged and refined by experiences that have made me who I am.
The old folks say, “wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey,” meaning that no matter what has happened–the good, the bad, and the ugly–all those things are part of my journey, of my life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are the fires in which I’ve been forged and shaped. I am grateful for the fire, the tears, the pain, the challenges. Does it feel good in the moment? Heck no. But as the writer says, “afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” I am looking forward to rejoicing. After all, life is not all about suffering and keeping a stiff upper lip and all that stuff. There is a season, there are times for rejoicing and I am looking forward to them. In the meantime I’ll do my best to stand strong in the face of the struggles, to embrace the challenges that come, and take those bruising, whiplash-inducing rides on Mephistopheles. I’ll see you back here tomorrow for another helping of gratitude, maybe with a little ice cream on the side.
