It has been a long, good day. After being up into the wee hours of the night last night watching election returns, somehow the alarm ringing at 5:30 seemed somehow surreal and otherworldly. I had known of course, as I waited to see what would happen in the presidential and other elections, that it was going to be a very long night. I was surprised when the waiting ended abruptly and the election was called. It seemed like after all the waiting it had ended quite suddenly. Then of course there was the usual rigamarole with the losing campaign making concession speech, then a delay before the victor came out to the wildly enthusiastic approval of the cheering hoards to offer a victory speech. By the time it was all said and done it was after 2 a.m. before I finally went to bed. I was amazed that I didn’t drag around more at work today, but I seemed to remain relatively alert and engaged in spite of my lack of restorative sleep.
The commute home this evening was another dreadful one, though not nearly as dreadful as the two plus hour crawl on Monday night. Tonight was only an hour and 45 minutes, the usual crawl on 495 North, then an accident on 495 West close to my normal exit but backed up for miles. I got off a few exits earlier, grateful as I often am that I have not one but two GPS devices to help me navigate my way through unfamiliar areas. I have had days when the commute isn’t so bad; even this evening as tired as I was I entertained myself with my audiobook of which I still have another 15 hours or so of listening pleasure. As it appears that my nightly drive home will likely always exceed one hour and likely be closer to an hour and a half, I will continue to listen to the longest books I can find–good ones of course, but long ones nonetheless.
I am grateful for my life at the moment. Although I still have a few bumps I need to iron out in tying up loose ends from my move I am nonetheless feeling calm and almost content with how things are unfolding. A year ago I was anxiously waiting to hear back from a prospective job I’d interviewed for. I had the qualifications and overall it had seemed to me that I fit well in the scheme of the organization. As the days dragged into weeks without my hearing from them, I had eventually concluded that I wasn’t their candidate of choice. When I finally did hear from them it was one of the tackiest rejection letters I’d ever received. It told me that perhaps I had overestimated the caliber of the organization given how they’d handled the situation. Of course what I know now is that position in that place at that time simply wasn’t for me. I have come to believe that everything has an appointed time, that there is such a thing as destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it. It simply wasn’t “in the cards” for me to have ended up in that job.
Now here I am a year later understanding that I am meant to be where I am right now, that the doors opened the way they did for me to be out here living near my three much-loved sisters and on the path of my “what’s next.” So many things I didn’t understand in terms of the way my life unfolded over the past two years. But even when I didn’t understand, I learned to persevere through the tears, pain, anxiety and fear and to remain as steadfast and calm in the face of uncertainty as I possibly could. In addition to perseverance I learned a lot about patience, about waiting, about having faith that in spite of how things looked, everything was going to be alright.
So yes, I am content. I used to be scared to say that, fearing that if I actually acknowledged I was sort of happy that something would come along to wreck it. Now I am coming to understand that everything changes. The Buddhists talk about impermanence–it is one of the three marks of existence. It is a basic understanding that everything is in a constant state of flux. As such it behooves me to remain as flexible and fluid as I can so I can roll with whatever happens. Of course I don’t always accomplish this, but I do strive for it and it has helped me remain on a somewhat even keel throughout the various slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that have flown my way in recent years. I am grateful for the gifts of resilience, perseverance, patience and grace. I have cultivated them over the past while and am always pleased and gratified that when I need to reach for them, they are there, a reliable wellspring of nourishment. I will continue to reach for them in the times ahead as I allow my what’s next to continue to unfold.
