Ah, Friday night. May I say that I am grateful that it’s Friday night? I was doing the same thing that I do most days at this time: sitting on my sofa watching television after having eaten dinner. I sat with the tray on my lap for a while after I finished, as I often do, but at least I didn’t fall asleep with it there as sometimes happens. I am sitting in my living room writing this evening, which doesn’t guarantee that I won’t nod off while writing, but it’s less likely. It has been a long week, but a good one. And for that I am grateful.
Life is so interesting. It’s hard to believe that we are in the last few weeks of 2012. When I think about the year that has been 2012 it makes me shake my head a little. It has been a remarkable time in so many ways. I learned a lot about myself, about gratitude, about perseverance, resilience, and faith. A few months ago I was living on the other side of the country trying to sort out my “what’s next,” figuring out what I was going to do. I had reached the proverbial end of the road. I was at a point where I had to take a step, perhaps yet another leap of faith. But I wasn’t sure where it was going to come from. When and how it came was semi-miraculous. That is a story for another day.
Sometimes the only way to learn is by standing in the midst of the storm, arms outstretched head tilted back, face lifted toward the rain and wind. There’s nothing left but to be there in the midst of it all and let the storm blow over you. You’ll either be swept away or stay put, but either way you learn what you’re made of, you know whether or not you can withstand what life throws at you. I stood in the midst of a storm of loss and grief, pain and anger, and I came through it. At the time it was happening, I felt like I’d lost everything. Then I watched people who had been devastated by a natural disaster as they struggled to literally pick up the pieces of their lives from off the ground and rebuild and I realized that perhaps what I had experienced, while painful, wasn’t so bad. As I think on it now, I know what an important realization that was; what I was going through was difficult, but it wasn’t devastating, and I definitely wasn’t going to die from it (though at times I perhaps felt like I was.)
I am grateful for the struggles I went through, a few vestiges of which are still with me. They have given me such important perspectives on life, things I doubt I could have learned as well any other way. I am not anxious to repeat all the drama from that time, but I want to continue to integrate the lessons learned into my current life, to weave those threads of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear into the tapestry of my life. They inform who I am today and how I walk through the world. The writer says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, for those who have been trained by it, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace.” No, the discipline, the chastening, the drama wasn’t a whole lot of fun, but now, after the fact, I am learning from it. I’m looking forward to the harvest of peace; that hasn’t quite happened yet, though it’s close.
The year 2012 is slowly winding to a close. It’s hard to say what 2013 might bring; 2011 and 2012 provided more than enough drama to last me a while. But one thing I learned during these last couple of years it is that I a more than capable of standing in and dealing with whatever comes. I am looking forward to a quieter year ahead, though there’s no guarantees of anything of the kind. So I will keep doing what I’ve learned to do and practiced in the past year–live in the present, moment by moment, day by day and dwell in the unfolding. I know that sounds pretty deep, but it’s been working for me and I don’t see any reason to mess with that. So as 2012 draws down, I’m approaching each day with deep gratitude for my journey through these past 10 months and look forward with gratitude at all that lies ahead.
