I am taking a long, slow exhale this evening. I realized earlier today that I sometimes have to remind myself to breathe deeply. In the rush and fast pace of these days, I have not made time for the simple act of breathing. It’s a good thing that breathing is part of our autonomic nervous system–that we don’t have to remember to tell ourselves to take in oxygen and let out carbon dioxide, otherwise many of us would be in serious trouble. I am grateful for that bit of divine engineering that allows my lungs to take in air, my heart to beat, and my digestive system to function without my conscious guidance.
I am struck once again by the insidiousness of perfectionism as it creeps into my subconscious, popping up periodically, particularly when I am in a self-evaluative mode. I was frustrated with myself for not having been prepared for a meeting this afternoon at work, wanting as I always did for it to be smooth and seamless and that I would have my act together and look the part of a leader. So when I felt like I bumbled and stumbled my way through the first part of the meeting (the second part went better) I was irritated with myself. In spite of the hours I spent poring over various documents, making notes and pondering how to pull the material together in a coherent presentation, I came to the meeting not having sorted it out or having it in any form worth sharing with my coworkers. I shared a little of my frustration with one of my colleagues afterward. She responded by reminding me, “You’ve been here one month. It’s okay that you don’t have it sorted out yet.” Oh. You mean I don’t have to have things fixed, organized, orderly, perfect in the first 3o days?
I had to laugh at myself a little bit, but then soberly remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint, that it takes time to get things moving toward where we all want them to go. This is another symptom of perfectionism–that not only am I supposed to have the answers, to know what’s needed to solve the problem, but I am also responsible implementing the solutions single-handedly. I see this as I look across the working lives of my siblings. We were all trained in one way or another to excel in whatever we chose to do. The end result is often a lot of good, high quality work put out there by one of us and a whole lot of stress, anxiety, overwork, and exhaustion. Doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun, does it?
So the solution is to not take myself too seriously, and to depend on the people around me. No person is an island unto him/herself and so turning with trust and confidence to the people around me is the healthy thing to do, for myself and for the organization. I still have a lot to learn and I am grateful for the people who work with and around me. I think I can manage to keep my perfectionism in check while also still making sure I’m doing the good work I am charged to do. And in the meantime, perhaps I’ll remember to breathe.
