Today I finished putting away most of the Christmas decorations. I put all of the ornaments to bed in their boxes, tissue papers, and special containers. I dragged the tree outside to set down at the curb for recycling tomorrow and put the easy chair back in its spot that the tree had occupied. The only remaining remnant of the holiday decorations is the small crèche still sitting on the bookshelf in the living room. I’ll put it away in a day or two after the three wise men have had their opportunity to visit with baby Jesus before heading home a different way. My living room has been restored to its pre-Christmas condition and feels a little empty.
This was one of those quiet days when I’d awakened with an idea about what I wanted to accomplish today and didn’t quite get there, though I am glad to have crossed repacking the Christmas decorations off my to-do list. And I have to note with reluctant honesty that my energy level is a bit lower than I’d like it to be. I think it must be that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings bubbling just below the surface of my consciousness. They remain submerged until I sit still long enough to realize they’re there. This happens to be one of those sitting still, introspective moments, and I find myself allowing whatever I’m feeling to emerge.
I am grateful this evening for many things I learned at the Buddhist meditation center I visited regularly during the last year and a half that I lived in California. The tools and concepts I was introduced to helped me navigate through the various issues and challenges that were part of my daily life, and continue to help me when I am struggling with one thing or another. Among the teachings that I deeply appreciated outlined what are called the “four limitless qualities”: lovingkindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.
Virtually every day I offer lovingkindness meditation phrases of well wishing for myself and for all beings. This morning, however, as I sat quietly writing in my journal I was reminded of quality of joy. In this context joy is not about jumping up and down in your own happiness, but rather rejoicing in the happiness and good fortune of others. Ouch! As I wrote, I began to realize the extent to which not only have I not been rejoicing in the good fortune of others, but I’ve gotten jealous and resentful, particularly when I make comparisons between their good fortune and what I perhaps perceive to be my lack of it. Ugh! This is embarrassing to say the least. Just when I am feeling good and enlightened on the subject of forgiveness and letting go, I turn around and stumble over the green-eyed monster of jealousy sprawled squarely in the center of my subconsciousness.
I realize that I am not unique in having this particular struggle, saints and priests and prophets and all manner of regular people have dealt with this. Still, it’s a bit disheartening to discover this; after all, I spend a lot of time thinking about and expressing gratitude for the many blessings I have in my life. My ability to have joy for the blessings that others have in their lives is strengthened to the extent that I can truly be content and happy with the good things in mine. And while I recognize that I still have work to do in this area, I am grateful that I’ve become aware of it and can begin to exercise and cultivate this particular quality.
I am tired and perhaps a little blue, and that’s alright: mama did say there’ll be days like this. When I have them, I have learned to be gentle and kind with myself, knowing that this day will pass and each new day offers a new opportunity for goodness and for gratitude. So tonight when I prepare to take my rest, I will sit quietly and offer well wishes for the continued good fortune of others and express gratitude for my own.
May I and all beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness. May we be free from suffering and the root of suffering. May we not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering. May we dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression, and prejudice.
May it be so!
