Tonight I am grateful for small shifts, micro-changes in what I’m doing or ways of being that over time add up to become much more significant. Writing this blog was a small shift: a sudden decision to start something that, while I had an inkling would be important, had no idea of the profound impact it would have on my life. I started writing this blog as one of a number of seemingly small but intentional steps I took to keep myself from being overwhelmed by depression and despair when a series of painful challenges seemed to hit me all at once. I can trace the changes I made at that time and the impacts they have on my life today.
Two years ago when I lost my job, and with it my health insurance, I had to go cold turkey off of the antidepressant medications I’d taken for many years. I remember worrying that with the onset of sudden unemployment and subsequent financial challenges, coupled with no longer being able to afford the medication (without insurance one of the two medications I was taking cost about $6 per pill), I would fall into a truly serious depression. I had no choice but to do my best to battle the blues without medication. It meant making a lot of changes–many of them relatively simple–in the way I lived my life.
I started taking vitamins and herbal supplements and walking three or four days a week, in part because I was aware that movement helps release chemicals in the brain that help with mood, and also because I knew that I needed to get out of the condo on a regular basis or I would get depressed. I started volunteering at the local food pantry, distributing groceries to individuals and families who, like me, were suffering from financial challenges. And I started writing, first the daily gratitude blog in the evenings and then a few months later a morning journal. These and other small changes over time allowed me to stabilize and more than hold my own against the depression that I had feared would overtake me. Not only did I not feel bad, I had moments when I actually felt good. It seemed odd that during that time when I was under incredible financial pressure and stress I had moments of true lightness and calm. My therapist at the time noted it, telling me I was doing much better than I had been when I’d been taking medication. And after a while, I started to believe her.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get the blues on a semi-regular basis. The difference now is that I have proven, natural tools to bring my mood back into balance and the knowledge that the blues–depression, sadness, grief, etc.–don’t last forever, they pass. And no matter how long the “dark night of the soul” lasts, it does pass. The morning comes and with it a fresh set of mercies. I am continuing to make micro changes in my life on a regular basis. The past couple of weeks I set my alarm and have awakened about 20 to 30 minutes early. My body is still adjusting to this and I’m sure I’ll be quite tired and ready for the weekend when I can sleep a little longer, but having that extra half hour in the morning has allowed me more writing time, a few extra minutes for meditation, and I even ate breakfast sitting down one morning.
I’m grateful for the small changes that have had big impacts. Changes in habits, changes in attitude, changes in direction. It’s all been good and it’s leading me toward my next “what’s next.” All in good time. In the meanwhile I am grateful for each small step along the way.
