My what a day this has been. There have been many days during the 562 days of writing this blog when the best thing I could say at the end of the day was that I was grateful that it was over. While that isn’t 100% the case with this day, I will nonetheless say that I am grateful to be winding down a day and a weekend that has been emotionally trying. Still, having said that, I hasten to add that all things considered I am still grateful for my life as it is right this moment. And while I have still not arrived at the place of calm, relaxed happiness where I want to be, I am moving slowly and steadily in that direction.
Still, I occasionally have meltdowns, and I had a doozy today. I think probably it’s been building for a little bit and today I let it loose. I was dealing with a number of frustrating roadblocks preventing me from taking care of some business I should have completed months ago. Now up against a deadline, I’ve discovered that I don’t have some needed documents. The process of getting those documents, plus having several more hoops to jump through, means that I will miss my deadline with some unknown and potentially problematic consequences. I’ve discovered that throwing a tantrum, including calling myself mean names for having gotten myself into this predicament in the first place, does very little to advance the cause or solve the issue. It doesn’t even necessarily feel very good–stomping around and pounding on things and yelling is not an effective approach to any problem and has the potential of making things worse.
So here I sit this evening, calm and as the saying goes, “clothed and in my right mind” preparing to wind down and get ready for the beginning of the work week. More than anything I need to rest and quiet my mind even further. Perhaps I’ll play my guitars and sing for a little while; perhaps I’ll play my flutes. Either activity will put me in a different space than I’ve been in for much of the day, and that is a good thing. I have learned not to try to rush past or hurry to get over days like this. They are part of the tapestry of my life–the indigos and deep hues that have threaded their way through many days. Sadness and grief are not strangers to me, which make the sweetness and joy that I have also experienced in my life that much sweeter. So while I look forward to easier and more carefree days ahead, I accept the storms and unsettled weather that periodically batters the landscape of my current circumstances.
In the end, it’s all good. The past is over, the future’s but a shadow; all I have is this moment. And now this moment. And now the next moment. I choose to spend these moments tonight in thought and conversation with you. It can be challenging to express gratitude when days are hard, but I have learned to push through and find the words. I am always grateful; there are so very many things throughout the course of this day that I recognized as blessings all around me. It is when I quiet and calm myself that I can begin to form then articulate the words of gratitude that come forth each evening. Sometimes they are good, sometimes not so good, but they always come with the intention of finding the good and sharing it to the best of my ability on any given day. All things considered, that’s not a bad way to go through life.
So tonight as I prepare to rest I am taking time to experience and feel the gratitude I have for so many things, including today’s meltdown and the circumstances that precipitated it. Tomorrow is another day, full of possibilities for new and wonderful things to take place. I rest tonight and look forward to what comes. So be it!
