I have to laugh at myself sometimes, I really do. Or perhaps just smile. I reach these places of deepened understanding, have flashes of wisdom and occasional insights into the mysteries of life, experience moments of remarkable clarity and then, it passes, and I am my regular self again. Of course I do not go fully back to my “regular” self; I start from a new place in which I have begun weaving the strands of my new insight(s) into my daily life. So what I am learning about dealing with fear and anxiety that I wrote about yesterday is already operating in ways seen and unseen. As I wrote more about it in my journal this morning I gained even greater understanding from the writing process, though at this moment I still have a way to go in being able to articulate it well.
Part of what I am learning as I continue working with fears and anxieties is how to let go of trying to figure out and control everything. The sooner I understand that how few things I can actually control, the calmer and less stressful my life is going to be. If I can stop being so attached to the various “what ifs” that I envision as my mind spins out various scenarios of all the bad things that can happen if I pursue a particular course of action, I will have accomplished a significant feat and well on my way to reducing the degree of self-inflicted suffering I endure. When I think about the things I most greatly fear–my top fear being the death of a loved one–weighing that against some of the relatively trivial things I worry about helps me to quickly put things into perspective. When I ask myself what’s the worst that can happen and allow myself to go there, the worst is more likely to create discomfort than be catastrophic. Letting go of the fear becomes a bit easier with perspective.
I am also learning is to treat myself with great compassion–my challenges and triumphs, my times of confusion and frustration, as well as those calm and focused moments. All the myriad parts of myself about which I tend to be judgmental and hypercritical all need to be held with gentleness and compassion. Lest I need to figure out how to do this, I need only think about how I would approach a young child who is exploring and learning about the world around her: I would not berate her for her lack of understanding of how things work or chastise her for being lazy or having a poor work ethic. I wouldn’t yell at a toddler for her failure to grasp a particular idea or concept. I’d pick her up if she fell down, help her reach a toy that is out of reach, I’d help her feed herself rather than expect that she will take care of all her own needs. I would reach out to her with great love, tenderness, and patience. Why can I not seem to do that for myself?
I have been working for quite a long while on developing compassion for the people around me. In some of the volunteer work I’ve done, in the ways I have reached out to people over the years, I have sought to approach others with as open heart as possible with a desire to understand, connect with, and serve them. I’ve also expended significant amounts of time and energy to develop appreciation, respect, and compassion for people who might be considered antagonists and “enemies.” In some spiritual practices you offer prayers, kind wishes, good thoughts, etc. not only for your family and friends and loved ones, but also for acquaintances, strangers, and “enemies.” Virtually every day I offer lovingkindness–statements of wishes of goodwill–for people with whom I experience struggles and difficulties. Sometimes I simply pray for my “enemies” in general terms and at others I call people out by name.
My goal in all of this is to operate in all I do, as best I can, from a place of compassion and love. This perhaps sounds very corny and religious and pseudo-something, but I believe it is possible and that I’m moving in that direction. I am grateful for the insights I am gaining along the way. Sometimes I have to work hard to approach some people and situations with love and compassion; I get mired in personalities and egos, frustrated with folks for what I consider their failures to be understanding and considerate of the people around them (why should I work so hard to be compassionate to them when they’re not doing the same for me and others?) I am grateful to be taking on this goal at this time in my life. It is exactly where I want and need to be putting my energy and attention. I still have a lot of work to do in both of these areas–dealing with my fears and deepening my compassion for others and for myself. But I am making progress. And for that I am most definitely grateful.
