Tonight I decided to spin the wheel, and pick and augment a previous post for your reading pleasure. This evening’s excerpt is from Day 212, posted on January 27, 2012. I had just engaged my son in a long conversation that had gone from 2 a.m. until 4 a.m. It had been one of those wide-ranging conversations, covering a lot of territory in one sitting.
I am so grateful to have this time with my son. We began living together out of economic necessity, but I am glad to be sharing space with him at this time in his life. We have our differences, he and I–we are temperamentally quite distinct from one another and frequently don’t see eye-t0 eye on any number of things. But I continue to be proud of who he is as a human being and honor the journey he is on. I watch him struggle from time to time, sometimes covering my eyes with my hands peeking through my fingers as he navigates through the whitewater in his life. It is often painful to observe, because as a mother I want to make things easier and better for him. But he’s the type of person who learns from his experiences, and I can’t protect him from the mistakes that are necessary for his growth and learning. Sometimes I see the young man and sometimes I see the little boy, and I guess that’s part of what it means to be mother to kids this age. They are both children and young adults to me, but I have to let them go and grow up. I am learning, slowly but surely, but it hasn’t been easy.
The experience of being a mom is transformational. In my youth I didn’t think much about being a mother; I think I looked at the prospect with a vague sense of unease. I wasn’t sure I was cut out for the role, and that I had the requisite skills, patience, etc. that I would need to do the job. I imagine there was a time or two when years later my kids might have wondered the same things. But as I’ve watched them grow and persevere through their own life challenges, I will allow myself a small measure of pride at how they’ve each turned out, some parts because of and perhaps some parts in spite of me and my mothering skills. All in all, I think we’ve all done pretty well. I am grateful to be able to call these wonderful, talented, unique fabulous beings my children. May they be filled with joy and peace, may they be healthy and strong, may they be safe and protected from harm, may they live with ease and well being. May they become who they were meant to become and learn to love and accept themselves for who they are.
I spoke to my daughter earlier this evening and to my son earlier in the week. I continue to be impressed with each of them–how they are learning to address their own challenges, solve their own problems, be their own persons. Yes, I still worry about them: I’ve been told that it’s my job as a mother, and if that’s true then I’m excelling at it. Still, I don’t pace the floor with worry. Each morning I commit them to God, wish for their wellbeing, health and strength, peace and happiness and I pray for them constantly throughout the day. Beyond that and the occasional encouraging word and the periodic deposit of cash into an account, they are pretty much on their own and taking care of themselves. And…I miss them like crazy. I look forward to the next time I’ll be able to be physically in their presence. In the meantime, I’m grateful for the connections we have via phone and Skype. May we continue to find ways to grow and connect even from a distance. Let it be so!
