“So how long you think you’re going to keep writing this? Did you make a specific commitment to it?”
I sat in the sun on my friend’s back deck talking about the process of writing this blog. I confessed that some days I have more to say than others, and sometimes I just plain get stuck trying to figure out what to focus on in a given night. I definitely didn’t make a particular decision about how long I would write, and at times I’ve wondered how long I can sustain a daily blog. What I did commit to was writing each day about something I’m grateful for. Some days are harder than others–uncertainty about what’s next clouds my thoughts and creates that nervous flutter in the pit of my stomach. There isn’t a day that I don’t wake up with a sense of panic, the only thing that’s different from one day to the next is the degree of discomfort. But what I am beginning to recognize is that I’m no longer overwhelmed. I still get scared and I still get the blues, but the depth of fear and sadness is significantly less than it has been in the recent past.
I’m grateful for the tools I am discovering and incorporating into my life that are helping me navigate my current situation. And I am grateful for the people in my life who part of this journey. They help sustain me when I need support from outside myself. It’s not just the obvious people–my siblings, my kids, my friends, many of whom I’ve written about in this blog at various times. I am also fortunate to have a concerned and very helpful therapist who helps me make sense of what’s happening with straightforwardness, humor, and compassion.
It’s also people like the Wednesday crew at the Food Pantry who ask me weekly how the job search is going and offer ideas and encouragement even as we work together to prepare and distribute food. It’s the meditation teacher and the group of people who sit in meditation and community building each Thursday night. It’s the people who read this blog regularly–some I know well and others I barely know–who comment, sharing their own thoughts and experiences. I am appreciative of the people around me. My goal in the coming weeks and months is to continue developing community and making connections with people. My hunch and my hope is that community and connection is what ultimately will lead to my next work opportunity, although I will continue looking for work in the conventional ways as well.
Staying calm in the midst of uncertainty hasn’t been easy, and as I’ve said before some days are better than others. But so much of this process is about what happens on the journey, not arriving at a particular destination. So for now I’ll keep walking the path that is laid out before me, even when I have no idea where it is leading me. I have a sense that “something good” is headed my way soon, but in the meantime I am appreciating the good things that are unfolding moment by moment.
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