Tonight I am grateful for having made it through difficult times and come out on the other side of them. When I was in the midst of the situations while most of the time I had no idea how I was going to get through them, mostly I believed that I would get through them. I had times when I prayed and cried and my chest burned with anxiety about how I was going to make it. I woke in a panic, wracked my brain during the daytime, I lay awake at night over the course of nearly 18 months. It was among the most difficult times of my life. But I stood strong, I persevered, I kept moving when I wanted to sit down and give up. I found ways to calm my heart, remain positive, and stay sane, and I relied on the love and kindness of my family to help me through.
I’ve turned a corner here and there since then and while I continue to face my share of challenges, they are not nearly of the magnitude of what I dealt with back then. I am grateful for having the resilience to bounce back from various setbacks. When I have moments of being discouraged by the occasional roadblocks I encounter I remind myself that this too will pass, that I have worked my way through a variety of difficulties and will do so again. In thinking about tonight’s blog I decided to spin the wheel and see what came up. After a few spins, we landed on the entry from Day 75 (September 12, 2011) that seems to resonate with the theme of resilience:
I am grateful this evening for rebounding. Last weekend I struggled a bit emotionally–my blogs from Friday and Saturday chronicled my difficulties. Sunday was a bit better, and by today I was feeling alright again. I could do an analysis of why I felt bad during the first part of the weekend and why I feel better today; but that’s not necessary. What I am coming to understand,and I have known this for a long time, is that there is a well of resilience that resides in each of us that bubbles up and revives us when we have hit a wall. At least I know it’s true for me. And sometimes for no reason or with no apparent cause, it bubbles up and I feel better.
Now in terms of my recovery from the blues of this past weekend, there were some reasons and apparent causes for the shift. I took some actions, made some steps in the direction of helping me feel better. After two days of isolation in my house, on Sunday I took myself into community with people by going to church. The service from start to finish could have been written for me and how I’d been feeling. From the music (including an old gospel standard, “I Feel Like Going On”) through the sermon (“Sometimes you have to move on”), to the fellowship with folks before and afterward, it all served to remind me that reaching out and being in community helps beat the blues. Sadness and depression fester in isolation;so if I want to counteract those feelings,I need to get out of my house and into the company of people.
One other thing that was different today from Friday and Saturday–I got out of the house, first to have breakfast with my friend Mary and then later this afternoon to trek around Chavez Park. Note to self: when the sadness wells up here are some potential steps to take:
- know that it’s alright to be sad,don’t push it away,but allow yourself to feel it;
- feel it,but don’t live there;
- get out of your house and connect with living people and/or
- get outdoors nature and soak up sun and natural beauty.
There are other steps and actions to take, but these are among the more obvious to me. I would remind myself, as always,to be kind and patient with myself as these waves roll through my life. It is the nature of things to ebb and flow and right now while things are as uncertain as they are for me there’s a whole lot of ebbing and flowing happening. In his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn quoted a swami as saying, “You can’t stop the waves,but you can learn to surf.” I’ve adopted that idea for now. I can’t do anything about what has already happened and have little to no control over what else might occur. What I can do is prepare to ride the waves as best I can and when possible enjoy myself in the process. It’s not always easy, but I can sure try.
There is no one thing that’s going to get help me surf the waves of life when they come rolling in; it’s the combination of things great and small working together that’s making the difference in my life. I’m grateful for them all, especially the wonderful people in my life who support, encourage, and love me no matter what’s going on. I also appreciate being able to draw from my own inner resources. Those too have not failed me; they might not always kick in immediately,but they are there when I reach for them. And I believe they will continue to be. For that I am exceedingly grateful.
It was a long week for me this week just past, I was worn out and a bit cranky. It is helpful for me to remind myself that I come from good stock: my ancestors were some strong, resilient, persevering folks. How can I not be so? I am grateful for the wellspring of resilience that lives inside me. I think I’ll drink a little from it tonight before I take my rest and will look to awaken refreshed in the morning. May it be so!
