I just got back from having ice cream with my friends Mary and Lamar. It was the perfect thing to do this evening–respond to an impromptu invitation to go hang out and visit at a nearby soft serve ice cream place. And laugh. Laughing is good.
It has been a pretty good week. I half smile as I write that because there were points during this week when it felt anything but good. Like, how could I have forgotten how much fun I had wading through a gazillion health insurance plans to try to find affordable insurance? In the end I did apply for a plan that had a lot of unsatisfactory elements but it was what I can afford and I’ll be grateful to have it once I am approved, assuming I am approved. So in spite of that stressful experience and one or two other slight hiccups, I would still characterize it as a pretty good week.
The days are flying by now. Somehow I am once again at Friday wondering what happened to the beginning of the week. I had two positive job search experiences this week: phone interviews during which I felt confident and competent–two feelings that have at times been in very short supply during this period of joblessness, which has now stretched to five months. Both of those conversations–one with a committee of five people, the other with a single interviewer–reminded me that I have done good work over the course of my career and that I still have a lot of good skills that are bound to be valuable to someone. I don’t spend time focusing on the statistics about how long it’s taking people who’ve been laid off to find jobs or about how much harder it is for “older” workers to find work. It’s really odd being a statistic. Of course there are some statistical categories that it’s good to be in, but some of the ones I’m in now are not so good.
But tonight, at the end of another week, I am grateful. I laughed this week–many times. I cried this week once too, and it was good to do that as well. I hung out with friends. I sat in meditation. I spent time outdoors walking with my dog around the beautiful park. I engaged in conversations about difficult subjects and didn’t dance away from them. I extended generosity to people who needed it. I offered compassion to myself and to others. I had lovely conversations with both of my children. I got much needed advice and support from two of my siblings. As so often happens at the end of a week and at the end of the day on Friday, I find that I am filled with gratitude, regardless of what the day or week has brought.
I think that must be a special kind of grace to be able to feel that gratitude. Earlier today I as I walked at the park I was asking God if she/he would speak to me. “For as long as I can remember, all I’ve wanted was to hear and know your voice,” I told the Creator. “Would you talk to me?” Of course the heavens didn’t part and a voice didn’t boom down at me. I kept walking, basking in the beauty of the water and the partly sunny, partly foggy day. Truth is, I believe God communicates with me all the time; the key is that it requires me to be paying attention enough to recognize the messages. I’m learning, though. And even though I have no idea at this moment of this day what the plan is for what I’m going to be doing, I’m going to roll with whatever happens next. And I’ll be grateful along the way.
