Today has been one of those days that Mama warned me about. I don’t really have too much to say about it except that at the conclusion of it I am exhausted to the bone. This morning as I woke up, dragging myself into a sitting position and swinging my feet to the floor blindly feeling for my slippers. In that simple act that took no more than a second or two, I experienced my first conscious feeling and expression of gratitude for the day. Even in my half-awake, pre-coffee stupor, as soon as I swung my feet around and stood up, I thanked God for the free movement of my legs and feet, the balance required to be able to stand and walk unaided, the strength in my legs and lower back supporting me as I tottered off the the bathroom.
Thank goodness for that brief recognition of my gratitude for being mostly able bodied, and while I am aware that I often take for granted the ease with which I move, breathe, speak, think, and so many complex actions, sometimes I am keenly aware of what a gift it really is. For the most part, though, the day was a blur of meetings–many of which were unpleasant–that have left me exhausted here at the end of the day. I was grateful to crawl into my car turn on my audiobook and squint my tired eyes at the road for today’s hour and 26 minute commute home. When I got home I fixed myself a simple dinner, sat down and ate as I continued to listen to the last hour of my audiobook.
I spun the RNG wheel this evening and found (after a few tries) a posting from October 2011 that resonates a bit with where I am at the moment a year and a half later. I am looking forward to finding or creating for myself some space to rest and refresh. Until then I’ll find snatches of peace and tranquility when and where I can in the midst of the madness and be grateful for them.
Tonight I once again express simple gratitude: For the abundance that I have even in the midst of challenges. It doesn’t necessarily show up in dollars and cents (at least not yet), but in so many other ways. I am also grateful for the lessons I am learning through both formal and informal instruction. I have been able to explore various elements of mindfulness meditation–practices and concepts–that are very much in alignment with where my head and heart have been over the past few months. I’ve been able to hear insightful teachings at the East Bay Meditation Center, which I discovered a few months ago, and will be participating in a number of workshops to help me learn more about meditation, loving kindness practice, and other basic tenets of Buddhism that are resonant with where I am at this moment in my life. I have spent some time listening to the insights of teachers like Pema Chodron (http://www.gampoabbey.org/pema-bio.php), whom I find quite accessible and down-to-earth, and like Eckhart Tolle, whom I find a bit more esoteric at times,but also quite insightful.
My spiritual life is still evolving. Although I grew up in a particular Christian religious tradition, there was something missing in it for me. I was definitely a seeker, desiring to know both the “voice” and the will of God, but I wasn’t finding what I was looking for from my early church experiences. Then I went through a period of deep immersion in a very different Christian tradition from what I’d grown up with. And while I learned a lot of things, much of it I learned through pain, oppression, and disillusionment. Somehow I don’t think that’s quite what God had in mind; but, as with so many of my life experiences, I learned to extract the lessons even from the midst of those difficult days. Through it all, I might have lost my faith in religion, but I never lost my faith in God, the Creator, the Great Spirit, the One known by many names. How this faith manifests itself varies wildly. Sometimes my “church” is the outdoors as I walk and commune with the beauty of nature. Sometimes it is in a particularly beautiful piece of music that literally transports me to another realm of being. Sometimes it is simply in the midst of profound silence–the kind I don’t get very often but revel in it when I do.
I used to feel very incomplete, unsettled by not having a formal religious affiliation, denomination, doctrine; but I have learned to be comfortable with the uncertainty of not having one. This is another part of my journey for which there is no definitive answer at the moment. If there is an answer, I’ll remain open and allow it to find me. For the moment, I am simply allowing myself to be with the questions and see where they lead me. I am grateful for the seeking, for the unknown, for the seeking, for being found. I have no idea how it all will work out, and that’s perfectly alright with me…at least in this moment. And of course this moment is all we have. I am spending this particular moment with a sense of deep gratitude.
