I am grateful tonight for being able to take a nice, long exhale. I’m tired enough that I decided to spin the wheel and see where it landed. The past week has been a pretty good for writing original posts. When I’m unusually tired or preoccupied it’s harder for me to muster the energy for original posts. I continue to contemplate the future of this blog. At it’s height two years ago I averaged about 200 readers, which was not bad given that I’ve never done anything to promote it per se. But these days, the number of page visits has diminished significantly, causing me to consider how I want to move forward. At one point I thought I might cease writing altogether–I would do this on day 777, because I like the symmetry of it (my sister hated it, lol–yes, I said “lol…”) or I would choose day 800. Given that I am only two days away from day 777, I think I’ll go with 800, thus buying myself more time to figure out what I am going to do.
Well over a year ago I printed out the first 200 days of the blog with the intention of organizing it into a series of themes that would become chapters of a book. The first 200 days translated into over 300 pages of text. You can imagine what 800 days will translate into should I decide to pursue the idea. Even with repeat posts (which I’ve only started doing over the past several months) that’s still a lot of gratitude. So we shall see what happens as I approach day 800. One thing that has not changed, and that is the level of gratitude I feel for each person who has taken a few moments out of their day to read one, some, or all of these posts. We’ve grown together over these 775 days, and I thank you for joining me on this journey.
And now, please enjoy this post from December of 2011 (Day 168 as selected by the RNG wheel):
Today was a long, pretty good day. Normally I would be working at the food pantry, however I was at a job interview for most of the day. I’d spent the past few days getting ready for it, and as is often the case, after all the build up and preparation, once the event is over total exhaustion sets in. Today is no exception. I am whipped, but do want to take a few moments and bask in grateful reflection before I retire for the evening.
I’ve been in thought recently about how everything is relative. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours at a doctor’s office where they did an echocardiogram (basically a sonogram of my heart) and some other diagnostic tests because of some issues I was having. As they were doing the various tests I must confess to being less concerned about my heart and more concerned about how much they were going to charge me for the tests. I was keenly aware that my health insurance probably wasn’t going to cover all of it and maybe only a little of it. When I finished all the testing and had talked to the doctor, he told me he wants me to do a stress echocardiogram–a sonogram of the heart while walking on a treadmill to see how the heart does under exertion, I guess. When he suggested it I of course heard “cha-ching”in my head, and actually laughed out loud (yes, lol) when he said I could get it done more cheaply at another doctor’s office versus going to the hospital for it. His “more cheaply” was $950 versus something over $2,000.
We subsequently learned that my high deductible, low premium insurance would cover a portion of it, so instead of $950, I could get it done for only $385. And so did I want to go ahead and schedule that for this Friday and get it in before Christmas? Um, no. When I asked the doctor if I should be worried about my heart, he said not really unless the discomfort I’ve been feeling suddenly gets acute, which he thought seemed unlikely. So, like many people with no insurance or not-so-great insurance, I will put off the next set of tests until after the holidays. I was reminded once again at how fortunate I’ve been over all these years to have insurance coverage through my employer. Even though it took a big bite out of my paycheck each month, I didn’t have to delay procedures. But here’s the everything’s relative part: I have insurance that is covering part of these tests and will cover some of the prescription costs, etc. It might not be the great insurance I used to have, but I am still nonetheless one of the lucky ones.
The other day someone asked me what was the worst case scenario if I didn’t get a job soon, and I realized that unlike so many people in this country, I have resources, people, to fall back on who would not let me be homeless. I have by no means exhausted my options for finding work and bringing income into the household. I am not in danger of starving or, at this moment at least, even being hungry. Sometimes my “problems”seem so large to me, but relative to how things could be, they are not that significant. I walk through life with the expectation that things are going to work out on my behalf. So many people with fewer resources, smaller networks of support than I have face the very real threats of hunger and homelessness and chronic hopelessness borne from years of struggle and neglect. Their “worst case scenario” is a lot different than mine.
Yesterday the staff at the cardiologist’s office went out of their way to help me find lower-cost ways of getting the necessary tests done. They worked hard on my behalf, recognizing that I, like an increasing number of their patients who’d lost jobs, needed their help. I was not embarrassed by openly discussing what I could and could not afford, but was merely aware that I was experiencing for the first time what is the daily reality for some people. The fact of the matter is that, while things are challenging for me, I am still really fortunate. It was humbling in a way to be there in the doctor’s office with my financial business hanging out there in the hands of total strangers–humbling, not humiliating. I felt in an odd way like I was in solidarity with others who lack the means to get good health care. But my reality is still different from theirs, and I won’t pretend that until this year I haven’t benefited from class privilege.
Because I am so tired, I am not articulating yesterday’s experience and its impact on me very well. Perhaps as I continue to digest it in the days ahead, I will be better able to talk about it clearly. The bottom line for me is this: I have been very fortunate to be able to have pretty much whatever I needed done medically and paid very little for it. I am grateful for the jobs that I’ve had where such things were provided. I look forward to having those days again, and when that happens I believe I’ll go into them with a much deeper appreciation for the many blessings that I have.
