Tonight I decided right off the bat that I would spin the wheel and see what wise blog post it pointed toward. It has felt like a long, though in reality it is no longer than usual. Last night I went to bed later than I’d wanted to, and though I slept heavily, no doubt glad to be back in my own bed, it couldn’t make up for a couple of days of poor quality sleep while I was in Minneapolis. So though I am tired I find that I am at war with myself: part of me wants to spin the wheel, cut and paste tonight’s blog in, and go to bed. The other part of me wants to write about some ideas that are tickling at the periphery of my consciousness but that I am perhaps too tired to articulate fully or well. And so the battle rages and nothing is finding its way onto the screen. I am grateful tonight for the voice of wisdom ringing in my head telling me to spin the wheel, make it easy.
I am all for making it easy when I can. But sometimes what life hands you doesn’t allow for easy. A few years ago when it felt like the bottom fell out of my life, I had a hard time finding easy. It was kind of like hanging off the edge of a cliff and I couldn’t even see the bottom of where I might land if I took the “easy” route of simply letting go and falling. Letting go, as in giving up, was not an option: I had people who were depending on me, so even if I wasn’t hanging on for my own sake, I was certainly hanging on for them. So I clung to the edge for a little while until I could get my breath enough to slowly drag myself up the cliff and pull my body onto level ground, crawling away from the edge lest I threaten to topple over it again. I lay there resting until I could get myself to my knees and then up onto my feet and moving slowly away from the edge and toward life and possibility. I am grateful for the long, difficult journey back from the edge. It hasn’t been easy, and I’m probably not all the way back yet, but I’ve come a long way.
Sometimes I get weary, still feeling wobbly from all those months of challenge and uncertainty. But I remember that I made it through tough times with the love and support of family and friends, and that same love is holding and carrying me as I continue moving forward. The last few years have taught me a lot about resilience, about perseverance, about the will to pull yourself up and keep going when it would be a whole lot easier to simply quit. But mama and daddy didn’t raise a quitter and while there’s nothing at all wrong with taking a rest, sitting down in the midst of a trauma and giving oneself a timeout of sorts, it’s not acceptable to remain there. And so no matter how tired I am, I stand up and keep moving as best I can.
I gratefully return to my old standby poem that reminds me to stand strong and carry on. I offer it here, once again, for your consideration:
Invictus Out of the night that covers me,Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody,but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds,and shall find,me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. by William Ernest Henley,1875
