Sometimes I underestimate myself: my gifts and talents, my experiences, education, personality, and all the myriad traits and skills I bring into everything I do. I spend so much time being critical (and sometimes downright mean) to myself for all the things I don’t do well, the mistakes I perceive that I make, the ways that I fail to live up to my expectations of myself and those that others may or may not have of me. I don’t need their disapproval; I am more than capable of doing a number on myself, of disapproving of myself. But no more. Somehow I am going to stop being my own harshest critic and at a minimum become my own cheerleader.
Over the course of the past few days I have observed myself, as if from an outside perspective, as I interacted in meetings with people at work and in various settings. And I had to admit, I was impressed with myself. I was strategic, creative, enthusiastic, impassioned, politically savvy, and smart. And as hard as it was for me to write all of that without squirming, if I look at it objectively, it is true that I am a pretty awesome person. Now if only I can truly believe and remember that.
I am grateful this evening for the revelation that I need to learn to be by own best friend instead of my own worst enemy, to expect good things from myself rather than criticizing myself for small or imaginary errors. I am noticing that I am not alone in suffering from this particular disease. All around me I see people who are almost incapable of believing that they do anything well. They hold themselves in such low regard, magnifying the things they do poorly and barely acknowledging the things they do well, and then they speak horribly to and about themselves. If they heard someone talking to a child in the way they talk to themselves, they would rush to defend and protect the child while dressing down the person who spoke so cruelly and harshly to her; and yet they don’t recognize that they are turning a cruel, harsh voice on themselves.
I am getting better at recognizing those times when I am being mean to myself, berating myself for something I perceive I did or did not do. I catch myself mid-sentence as I’m in the midst of saying something mean to myself and address myself with gentleness, kindness, and compassion. “You’re doing the best you can,” I sometimes say aloud, “Look at how well you’re doing.” This isn’t always easy to accomplish: I still catch myself being harsh and have to calm myself down and remember to be kind. This, like so many other things in my life is a process.
In a now famous quote, author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson turns this idea that we are somehow inadequate on its head:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I would do well to remember this. What would it look like if I lived a life as big as I feel I am meant to live? Every once in a while I get a glimpse of that bigness, that sense of “powerful beyond measure” that Williamson describes. What would that look like for you? Every day is an opportunity for me to practice kindness, compassion, and generosity toward myself, to see myself as a blessing and my life as blessed. I still have a way to go before I even approach being able to see myself as powerful, accomplished, worthy, etc. but I am grateful for each small step I take in that direction.
