I am so grateful tonight for inspiration that comes upon me so many times over the course of a day. Some days I run myself so ragged that it feels like I don’t have time to experience a single coherent thought, but when I look back over the course of the day, I can usually find several thoughts or ideas that I’ve shared with others that provide value. At least I hope that’s the case. And if I can manage to have creative, generative thoughts and ideas when I’m tired, running around, and stressed, I wonder what I could do if I were actually rested and slowed my pace from frenetic to semi-normal busyness.
Today I had meetings from 8:30 to 10:00 a.m., 10:00 a.m. until 12:00 p.m., from 12:00 until 1:30 p.m. and from 1:30 to 2:45 p.m. I did manage to squeeze in three bathroom breaks in there, though am not sure how I did that, and upon my return I snatched two quick meetings with staff members I literally ran into on my way back into the office. It has been a crazy day, yet in the midst of everything, I got some important things done, much of it in the last hour I was at work. When I left the office at 5:00, I was exhausted and endured the slightly longer than usual (90 minutes instead of 75) commute home. After I cooked tomorrow’s dinner while heating up tonight’s, I quickly ate dinner with Diane (Sawyer of ABC news), then finally settled in to write this blog.
I am grateful for the inspiration and clarity that I’ve been getting recently. I’ve spent a lot of time in fasting–the kind you do for spiritual not physical/weight loss purposes. Essentially I’ve said to God I am fasting as an offering, as a sacrifice. It’s my way of saying to God, “I am serious about this–I’m fasting and praying and I want a response.” The thing with this plan, this process, is that you have to be paying attention to how the response shows up. If you’re looking too hard in any single direction, you’ll quite possibly miss the response that comes from a completely different direction. To guard against missing God’s answer to me, I’m keeping my antennae up for whatever decides to show up from whatever direction it chooses. And lately, the responses have been appearing from every which way; but the important thing is that clarity is coming.
This morning I was writing in my journal as I do every morning, and as is sometimes the case when I prepare to write this blog, my mind was bouncing around in search of what I wanted to write about. The nice thing about the journal, of course, is that I’m the only one who reads it. So all of my internal editors, censors and other voices that normally plague me while I’m writing this blog are turned off or at least toned down. This morning I wrote down two pieces of wisdom that represented a seemingly small but significant shift in my thinking, my attitude. I will share them first then perhaps offer some context for them.
When I think about my job, I get frustrated; when I think about my work, I get excited.
This was terrific revelation, and represents a really important distinction for me. There are times at my job when I get frustrated: by bureaucracy and petty politics, the mundane, routine nature of working in an institutional setting, the “death by meeting” culture in which you meet to have meetings to plan the meeting. If I focus solely on the job, I want to run shrieking from the room; but when I focus on the work, my purpose for being there, the work I am called to do, I can rest in the solid assurance that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at this moment in my life. I can’t tell you what freedom there is in that understanding. I will continue to have frustrations on the job, but I can hold them differently when I view through the lens of the work, of the calling.
The other revelation was also simple and equally important for me today. I have been waffling about whether or not I am going to teach a class next semester. I have teetered on the fence about this decision for weeks, vacillating wildly back and forth literally from one moment, one day to the next. There is a proverb that says, “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways…” I’ve always taken that to mean that being indecisive makes one wobbly, and that has certainly been the case in my current life. Then I wrote in my journal this morning, “Perhaps I need to tell Jan that I’m going to do it (teach the class) and let the chips fall where they may. The best way to deal with the consequences of a decision is to make one.” Brilliant, if I do say so myself. Sometimes I waffle in making decisions because I get all caught up in the consequences: what will happen if I do X, what will happen if I don’t? I can make lists of pros and cons, and while I firmly believe that’s a good practice for making informed decisions, I also know that after all is said and done, I still have to actually make the decision and deal as best I can with whatever consequences arise as a result.
I am grateful for the inspirations that have come lately, providing the levels of clarity I have been asking for for a long, long time. I still have questions about a lot of things, including the direction I want my work to take in the months and years ahead. But the truth is, all I can really plan for is the days and weeks ahead, all the while knowing that this moment I’m living right now is the only one promised to me. So I live in the moment and plan for the future, all the while realizing that I really don’t need to plan out the rest of my life. If I have enough clarity for the step I’m on and the next few steps ahead, I’m content with that. “So my life is unfolding,” I wrote in this morning’s journal, “and even though I’m obviously participating in the process, I also need to let go of trying to direct or manage it and let it unfold according to God’s purpose (aligned with mine).” For that bit of wisdom along with all I received as I wrote this morning, I am most exceedingly grateful.
