This evening I am winding down from a tiring day and looking ahead to a very, very long day ahead at work. I have decided to spin the wheel. Interestingly I landed on the piece I posted after I had taken a break from daily writing (between days 227 and 228.) It’s interesting I landed on this particular posting on a day when I was wondering, once again, when I would stop writing this blog. Part of me thinks I’ll just stop on some random day, and another part of me thinks I’ll organize it into a neat process. I’ll pick a nice even day like 900 (in 54 days) or 1000 (in 154 days), or I’ll simply end on New Year’s Day 2014. Whatever I do I want to do it thoughtfully, and so for now I will continue to offer a mixture of new work along with the spinning of the Random Number Generator to select a posting for me, as well as inviting guest blogs. For tonight as I take a much-needed rest and prepare for tomorrow, I offer this posting from February 2012 when I took back up the virtual quill and parchment and restarted up the blog after a one week hiatus. I have posted a blog every day since then–618 straight days. I am grateful for the stick-to-it-ness that I’ve been able to manage over this time and look forward to creating a sensible exit strategy for this blog. Until then, enjoy this post from Day 228.
A week ago I took a break from writing this blog. I had finally hit a wall that I couldn’t seem to climb over,walk around or tunnel under. I’d had writers block quite a few times in the previous 227 days,and,in the days leading up to my hiatus on February 12,the blocks had begin building themselves into the wall I hit that day. I haven’t ceased being grateful each day for so many things in my life;neither have I ceased to have the struggles that still at times bring me to my knees. In other words,my week “off”was pretty typical.
Although I haven’t blogged in a little over a week,I have nonetheless written every day. I sort of accidentally started a morning writing practice back at the end of January,and although it is not my intention to box myself into that feeling of having to write every single day,I have managed to do just that since February 5. I use that time as a means of writing pretty much whatever is on my mind when I first wake up. As I’ve written about frequently in this blog,I often awaken much earlier than I like (usually just before dawn,around 5:30 0r s0),and because I have too many things on my brain,I can’t get back to sleep. I decided within myself a few weeks ago that rather than trying to cajole myself back into sleep (which doesn’t usually work),I would instead try to bring myself fully awake and sit up and start writing about whatever comes up. It’s been a good practice because it has allowed me to write my way through the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush that so often hits me in the early morning. I sometimes start out with some worry or fear that sends adrenaline coursing through my extremities like liquid energy. By the time I’ve written for several minutes (I’ve been averaging around 45 minutes or so) I am much calmer and my thoughts are clearer. I’ve jotted on the cover of the journal I’m writing in “Writing my way to clarity,”because that’s what it feels like I’ve been doing with the morning writing. It really is helping me sort a few things out,first by surfacing fears that I’ve previously not given voice to. It has become an important addition to my daily life.
I also continue to practice daily gratitude. This past week included gratefulness for many blessings of simple things as well as finding gratitude in the things that were more challenging. I am grateful for the relative health and wellbeing of my family–myself and my children–and for the safety and security we enjoy in our daily lives. While we have our struggles we also have things to smile and laugh at,to celebrate and revel in,and definitely to be grateful for. I am also grateful for being able to give of myself in those ways that I can. Although financial means might limit my ability to offer generosity in that form,I can certainly offer time,experience,gifts and talents to whomever might need them.
This past weekend I was able to “be there”for a friend who called needing a listening ear and an encouraging word. I listened to her as she cried in anxiety and worry about her daughter who is in a particularly difficult phase of her life right now. Her “child”like both of mine,is a young adult,and is suffering the consequences of some of her decisions and actions. In anguish my friend asked me what she did wrong,how did she fail her child? I could only share my perspective,knowing her as I do,that she’d done the best she could in raising,providing for,and loving her child,and while she was not perfect a perfect parent,she was also not responsible for some of the poor choices her daughter had made in recent months. This dear friend was grieving and suffering. The best I could offer her from thousands of miles away was attentive listening,a loving presence,and whatever support and encouragement I could give her. At one point she’d told me that she felt like she was coming apart at the seams. I understood this very well having felt and occasionally still feeling that way myself. The interesting thing about coming apart is that we always seem to come back together again. For this I am exceedingly grateful.
I have written many times in this blog about the gift of perseverance and resilience–we stand strong and when we fall down,we get back up,we bounce back. That is essentially what I told my friend. It’s alright to come unglued,fall apart,etc. particularly when there’s a supportive friend to hold your hand through it. There are times when I feel like,“This is it–I’m falling down and I’m just going to stay down here.”But before I know it,I am standing back up,a little wobbly at first,then steadying myself and walking on. It’s what we do. I definitely still have my share of struggles,but then we all have challenges. We all suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The difference is one of degrees. I am grateful that when these things hit,I manage to find my way through grace back to gratitude,generosity,forgiveness,compassion,and equanimity. Not all at once,and not right away. But eventually I get there.
I am grateful to those of you who read this blog and have walked this path with me. I was gratified to hear from some of you that you miss reading it. I am pleased to be posting again this evening. Continued posting will be a “game day decision”that is,I won’t know until I get into the day whether or not I will post this blog in an ongoing,consecutive days fashion as I did for all those months. But I will commit to writing at least once per week sharing ideas and reflections on the general theme of gratitude. In the meantime I hope you continue to think about the things you are grateful for in your own life and find ways to express it. Gratitude begets more gratitude;generosity begets generosity and so forth. It’s definitely worth trying!
