Tonight it took me a long time to get to writing my blog. There is a sadness that has been slowly creeping up on me and tonight it’s gotten that much closer. I don’t know exactly what it is about, and I am feeling no particular need to chase after the knowledge. For now I’m willing to let it be there and be with it. I sat and listened to the last hour or so of my audiobook. I had plenty of other things I could have been doing, including some things I should have been doing and will potentially pay for not having done those things tomorrow. I have spent much of my life doing what I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do it, so again, I am not worrying about the brief lapse I am having at this moment. Besides, the evening is not yet over. I could still do the one primary thing that would be good to have done before tomorrow morning; but even that could wait until morning with little or no negative impact. So, we shall see.
In the audiobook I was listening to, one of the primary characters died. I was a bit stunned, as I often am when something like that happens and I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t talk back to my iPod as I sometimes do when something like that happens, uttering, “No….” in some weird fictional, fake disbelief. After all, this is a fictional character. Why do I care about this? I realize, without having to do much deep analysis, that I had come to like the character, to relate to her at some level even though I have very little in common with her. The sadness, I suppose is grief at the unexpected loss of someone that resonates somewhere inside of me with losses–unexpected or otherwise–that I have experienced in my real, nonfictional life.
I am grateful for these moments in books, poignant scenes in a film or play, haunting and moving pieces of music, all those things that elicit emotion and allow me to release pain I hadn’t known I was holding. In some ways it’s not important that I understand the source of the pain; if I need to know where it’s coming from, I’ve little doubt that sooner or later it will be revealed to me where it is coming from. I’m not running from it, I’m simply not seeking it out. It will arise, I will notice and attend to it, and if it chooses to whisper to me what is causing it, I will attend to that as well, as best I can. In the meantime, as tempting as it would be for me to poke and prod at it until it comes fully to the surface, I am going to let it come if it wants to. While my heart is sad and there are tears in the corners of my eyes, they have not yet decided to spill over; whatever is troubling me is choosing to remain slightly out of reach, and that’s okay.
Before I go to sleep this evening, I will offer lovingkindness to all my various categories of people: family and loved ones, acquaintances, coworkers, and people I don’t know well, “enemies” and people I have some struggle with, and ultimately for all beings everywhere. It might not dispel the sadness or cause me to shake off the grief, but I imagine that it will calm my troubled spirit somewhat so I can rest tonight. And of course I will offer gratitude, for the beauty that’s all around me, as well as the tender places where grief and sadness reside. There is treasure there as much as there is in the beautiful things, and a richness that adds depth to my life. I am grateful for the tender places as much as the smooth and easy ones. These are each as much a part of the tapestry of my life. And for them all I am grateful.
