Today I made a small deposit into the bank account of one of my offspring. It wasn’t much–I didn’t have much to give. But it was more than they had and they were better for the having. I pondered this a few hours later, shaking my head in mild disgruntlement that I wasn’t able to help more, but then I found myself shrugging realizing there will always be people with more money (resources, possessions, etc.) then I have and always those with less. It, like so many other things, is all relative. I gave my kid a few dollars from my somewhat limited but greater than their supply of cash. I had it to give, they needed it, so I gave it. There was a time a few months ago when I had to borrow money from them. Second lesson: sometime the shoe is on the other foot and it’s you who is in need and someone else provides for you. It all comes back around and evens out in the end. And even if it doesn’t equal out dollar for dollar, there’s no real way to measure the value of a kindness, a gift given at just exactly the right time. There’s no accounting for the timing of the kindness, much less the actual cash value of it.
I am grateful this evening for having enough means from which I can give. As with so many things, it’s really about where I choose to focus my attention. At times I have been frustrated by my lack of resources, embroiled in a not-so-helpful scarcity mentality in which what I have is not enough and I find myself wanting more. But when I shift my perspective and look at what I have I am challenged, because in many ways I have way more than I need.
I have these flashes of awareness that I live in abundance. Not opulence, but abundance nonetheless. Sometimes I have these moments of lucidity (usually when I’m first awake and writing in my morning journal or late in the evening when I am preparing to write this blog or am sitting on my bed too tired to do anything but think, nod off, dream) and then during the often frenzied course of the day, I forget them. I would do well to remember this one and not plug back into the matrix of unreality that keeps telling me I don’t have enough when in reality I have more than enough. Abundance is one of those concepts that is relative. My relatively “simple” way of living might seem wealthy to many people in many parts of the world and in some parts of the US. To those of significant financial means, I suppose I live like a pauper. What matters to me in this moment is how I view where I sit. And in this moment, I sit in abundance.
There are many things I would like to do, some things I would like to have, some places I would like to visit that I am temporarily unable to do, have, visit because I lack the means. But I can’t get so caught up in all the things I can’t do, don’t have, haven’t seen that I completely miss the many tangible blessings I have all around me. In the weeks ahead I think I will spend some time sorting through and giving away some of my possessions. I used to fear that if I gave away the clothes I no longer wear my closet would be nearly empty. But the alternative is to keep things that I never wear or use that would be wonderfully useful to someone else.
I’m grateful for all that I have. Even during the times of my greatest struggles, I have mostly had what I needed. I live on a relatively tight margin, but there is a margin, and I have enough that I can give to others. Enough is enough. It really is all relative, I shake my head and smile. Now if only I can remember this tomorrow…
