During difficult days a few years ago when I was struggling to find a job, grieve my father’s passing, and overcome a variety of heartbreaks, there were days when I sat in front of my computer searching my weary mind and bruised heart for something positive on which to focus my attention and energy. When I began writing this blog and committed to posting daily reflections on gratitude I did so for the express purpose of remaining positive in the midst of what felt like regathering the fragments of my life. Sometimes my words would come easily because my heart and mind were in a space where I could see and experience the goodness all around me. Other days I had to will myself to sit and write, to search for and find some kernel of good in what had felt like an awful day in an awful year.
In the nearly four years since the great unraveling happened, I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I’m made of. The resilience I wrote about yesterday really came to the fore, and through my sojourn I discovered life affirming strategies such as mindfulness meditation and giving back to my community. I developed new skills and sharpened old ones and discovered capacities I would not have discovered any other way. Talk about the refiner’s fire that burns off all the impurities and leave pure gold in its place, I experienced a bit of that. If you’re going to come out golden, you have to go through the fire.
I would do well to remember that these days when things are a bit lighter than they were back then. But today I faltered a bit. This has been one of those days during one of those weeks. Nothing dramatic or catastrophic happened, but I woke under a cloud that I couldn’t shake. It was one of those days when from the time I woke this morning until this moment as I sit typing (nearly 10 p.m. Eastern) in which I couldn’t find a glimmer of ease, peace of mind, joy. Interestingly, in spite of that, I am encouraged, because I didn’t give up on myself and the things I know to do that are right. As best I could, in spite of how I was feeling, I gave of myself, I gave what I could. Even though I faltered and wasn’t quite in the flow that I sometimes feel, I did my best and I am satisfied with that.
This morning, even as I could feel my emotional struggle, as I turned on the shower I was so grateful for the water. It was a momentary awareness of how profoundly grateful I am for what could easily be such a simple thing to take for granted. I turn my spigot and water–clean and warm–pours from the faucet. I stopped in that moment and gave thanks. I spent that time offering metta (as described on Day 910) and in prayer for a friend who’d requested it. Then I went back to cranky land as I dressed and set out to walk the dog. As we come back to the house, most days Honor wants to play ball and most days I don’t want to. But as also happens on most days, I gave in and threw it, watched her run after and bring it back to me, to be repeated a few more times until she gets bored and and is ready to go in. She’s a good pup and she deserves to play ball, particularly given that she spends some 12 to 13 hours each day alone. So again, I pushed myself out of my funk to toss the ball with the dog and be grateful for the boundless enthusiasm and unconditional love she shows me every day.
Then as I continued to prepare for the day, the gloom resettled itself around me like a shroud. I could feel it and to counter it I put on a CD as I drove the 26 miles to work. My daughter had made it for me, dubbing it “Mommy’s Feel Good Songs,” that they’d created for me during my life drought four years ago. When the song, “I Smile” by Kirk Franklin came on, I had to smile for real, and for the remainder of my drive to the office my heart was lifted and I was grateful for music, a gift from heaven that has the power to move me in an instant, which it did in that moment. But then it was on to work and the usual questions, issues, wrangles and challenges that are part of my working life these days.
No, today hasn’t been easy, and as I sat on the couch in a grumpy, post dinner funk I asked myself, “What in the heck are you going to write about in tonight’s blog given how you’re feeling.” I didn’t really have a good idea except I knew that if I could write about things I am grateful for in the midst of all my life drama four years ago, I sure as heck ought to be able to do so now. The truth is, sometimes you’re going to feel like absolute–well, crap (sorry.) And that has to be okay. Because at the end of the day, the crap isn’t getting the last word, gratitude is, and that is a very good thing. Mama said there’ll be days like this, and mama was right. And even if I seem to be experiencing more drama than ease these days, gratitude is my secret weapon, the great equalizer that evens things out in the end. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Today may all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May we know true happiness and peace and experience the fruits thereof.
