I want to return to a theme I’ve visited frequently: I am grateful to be surrounded by a supportive network of friends and family. It’s a weird phenomenon to consider that in one sense we as individuals are utterly alone: no one else can be us, no one else has our unique experiences and perspectives, no other human being has control over the decisions we make, the actions we take, the thoughts and feelings we have. And yet, if we are fortunate, we are also connected to and surrounded by people who are there for us as sounding boards, as counselors, as friends and loving presences in our lives.
When I have found myself grappling with a challenge, it has been a great comfort to be able to call, text, email, Facebook message friends and family to get their read on what’s happening, their advice on how to approach a given situation, or a hefty dose of reality. I talk, they listen. One friend asked me recently, “Okay, before you start talking, tell me what you want from me. Do you want advice or do you want me to just listen?” I appreciated her question, particularly as this particular friend would sometimes dive right into advice giving. As it turns out, on that occasion I wanted a little of both. I am grateful for the times when she simply listened, offering a nonjudgmental, loving presence.
I think that is one of the best gifts we can offer one another: a loving, listening presence. I have provided this many times over the years, offering counsel when requested but also simply listening, nodding and reflecting back rather than advising and telling people what to do. It’s one of the things I really like about the coach training I took a number of years ago; it taught me the philosophy of simply remaining curious. Rather than always leaping to solve someone’s problem for them, giving advice and direction, it is by asking good questions the person is often able to discover their own answers. Even people who want to be told what to do can be guided toward figuring things out for themselves. It ends up being better for them to have done so, they are empowered by having reached their own conclusions and can take action on them.
It is in the act of deciding that we are truly alone. How many times has someone said to you, “I don’t know what to do?” They ask for and receive advice from any number of people, they gather information and data, they hem and haw, and perhaps lose sleep over it, depending on the importance of the decision. You can ask questions, offer suggestions, hold their hands and offer a loving presence, but at the end of the day they cross the threshold of the decision alone. It can be an agonizing process, for both the decider and the watchers. The good news is that once the decision is made and the companions escort the decider to the threshold and watch them cross over, the decider often emerges on the other side to find their companions waiting for them. Yes, making a decision–particularly an important one–is a solitary action, one that you ultimately make alone. The good news is that the aloneness lasts only while the decision is being made. Once it’s done, everything that in that moment had stood still in an odd, existential, frozen stasis, suddenly comes back to life and an entirely new course has been set in motion. Amazing.
I have been a companion and a decider. I am grateful for the community of family and friends–seen and unseen–that surround me. We support one another in a “network of mutuality,” as Martin Luther King, Jr. describes it. At the end of the day, what can be better?
