Today has been a good day. It occurs to me that I often start this blog with a statement like that, something about the day. If I totaled up how many times in these 78 days I’ve started the blog with words about how good the day has been I might be surprised at just how many good days I’ve had. Sometimes when you’re all up in the midst of everything it’s hard to see the bigger picture, the longer view. When days are hard, it seems like they all have been hard; but in reality I’ve probably had a fair number of good days. And I’m grateful for every one of them.
It’s a funny thing about feeling good–I want to try to write down the formula, put it in a bottle, somehow capture whatever it was that I did today so that tomorrow I can whip it out and use it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I’ve tried it, believe me. “Hey yesterday I meditated first thing in the morning and it was awesome. I felt a calm and energy that lasted the whole day.” So when the next day comes and I wake feeling anxious or a little blue, all I have to do is do my morning meditation the exact same way I did it yesterday and presto! the blues go away and I have yet another awesome day. But for some reason it doesn’t “work.” I was distracted through the meditation and when I got done I didn’t feel any better. Why didn’t it “work?”
One of the skills that I’m developing as I continue on this journey toward healing and wholeness is the understanding that I have to be with what is. Whatever is happening right now is what is in this moment. If I’m feeling blue, it’s not about trying to chase it away, cover it over, or meditate my way through it. It’s about acknowledging that that’s where I am at the moment and that’s alright; can I observe it and not get stuck in it? The same is true if I’m feeling good. I acknowledge, “Wow, I’m feeling really good right now,” and I sit with that. I don’t try to chase after it, cling to it, or do whatever I can to prolong it. It’s about being with whatever is true right now. Whether I’m feeling blue or sunny, I’m good with what is. Now, you’ll note that what I said at the beginning of the paragraph is that I am developing the understanding that I need to be with what is; not that I am good at the actual practice of it. Not yet anyway. But it’s definitely something worth working on.
I’m also working on the skill of going with the flow–whatever’s happening at the moment is what’s supposed to be happening. I don’t need to resist it, try to change it, or run from it. Like many people, I can get into a routine (or a rut) with something and if something comes along to disrupt the routine it can throw me for a loop. Tonight when I arrived at the weekly Thursday evening meditation group none of the regular staff were there to get things set up. I’ve been going for a while, so I’m almost always there early and almost always help set up the room (set up cushions on the floor and chairs for those who prefer them). Usually I help the staff person set up the room. Tonight, no staff person. So after consulting with someone else we just started setting up. After all, we knew what to do from past experience, so no worries. But then the regular teacher wasn’t there and the person who was there started things out completely differently, and the meditation was completely different. She had an with her somewhat awkward, hesitant style. It felt weird.
Rather than resist the weirdness and sneak out during the break between the silent meditation and the dharma talk, I decided to go with the flow and stay put. What the “substitute” teacher did was different from the regular teacher and different from what some of the other substitutes had done in other weeks when the regular wasn’t there. But in the process of remaining open, I got a little clarity on some thoughts I’ve been noodling on for a while. In the space she created with her teaching and observations and the guided visualization she took us through, I was able to begin thinking differently about a dilemma I’m facing. I left there having experienced a completly unexpected breakthrough. All of this because I approached it with openness and willingness to depart from the familiar and routine. I suspect that I’ll be feeling the aftereffects of that experience over the next day or two if not longer. Something broke free in those moments. I’m looking forward to seeing where this leads to next.
