So many things are happening in the country today. The “Occupy Wall Street” protests are starting up all around the country, the three-ring circus of Presidential politics, the passing away of Steve Jobs today are just a few of them. I realize I’ve been watching the news a lot lately–I had been on a self-imposed news fast for a while. Back some months ago when I was still struggling mightily with depression, eliminating that daily dose of negativity that we call the evening news was an important part of my regaining some emotional equilibrium. These days, though I’m watching it more often, the impact that it has on my mood is much less dramatic.
This morning I found myself having a philosophical discussion with a friend about what I called, “holy restlessness,” that sense of spiritual dissatisfaction that something isn’t quite right but not being quite sure what and feeling a desire to do something about the something that we sense isn’t quite right. We see so many things going on around us that we want to do something about. “Sometimes I get so [worked up about things] I want to scream,” my friend confided. I know the feeling. For a number of years I’ve known that I have something to say, something to tell the world, but I remain uncertain about the what, the when, and the how of it all.
I’m grateful for holy restlessness; there’s a sense of disquiet in my spirit that is making its presence felt. As I continue searching for employment, I am also continuing to ask the questions, “what is it I am supposed to be doing? What is it I need to be saying? What is it?” I feel like the more I ask the questions, the closer I will get to the answers. The other week I wrote about getting clarity about a decision I had to make–the clear answer was “NO! Don’t do it!” I am asking for clear YES’s now. I keep asking the question, “what’s next?” and am listening more carefully than ever for the answer, looking for the clear sign. I feel like I need to be studying something but don’t have the curriculum laid out for me. Perhaps I am supposed to create the curriculum, I have created curricula before after all. But I’m still looking for the what of it. For nearly 100 days I’ve written about gratitude. Perhaps gratitude is part of the curriculum.
I’m looking forward to the restlessness and frustration shifting to clarity and creativity. Once I know a little more about the what, I’m more than capable of applying creativity and energy to designing and delivering the “product.” It’s what I’ve been telling potential employers I’m good at–designing, implementing, and evaluating programs and initiatives. I can’t help but feel that these same tools need to be applied to the something that I’m sensing is awakening in me and so many others.
I’m laughing at myself at how crazy this all probably sounds–ethereal and nebulous and perhaps even a little nonsensical. It’s hard when something is bubbling around in your spirit (what is your spirit anyway?)–call it your subconscious or whatever you want–to describe what’s happening. Something is sitting just at the edge of my peripheral vision–I can’t quite make out details, but I know it’s there. It’s waiting to find expression. As soon as I can see it more clearly I’m going to begin to write about it, speak about it, write songs about it. Until then, I reckon I’ll just keep appearing a little flighty and unfocused. It won’t be the first time. The prophets of old were some the weirdest looking, strangest acting people of their time. It was true back then, and it’s still true. I figure if I look a little nuts, at least I’m in good company.
Thank you for sticking with me these past 98 days. I have no idea how long I’ll keep this up, but it’s definitely been a part of the holy unsettledness I’ve been feeling. Writing, like music, are very important forms of expression for me. I’m grateful for them and how they shape and are shaped by my life. I definitely still have a lot to say. I appreciate each of you who have been willing to “listen.”
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