I am grateful this evening for clarity of a different sort than I’ve written about lately. I am getting clearer about who I am and how I walk in the world. Now that I’ve written that statement I have no idea what I mean by it! So bear with me as I meander my way through my thoughts.
Many of us spend a portion of our lives having who we are defined for us. When we’re still in our infancy people all around us are deciding who we are (or what we’re going to be.) We are nudged, guided, directed, dragged, coaxed in various directions by well-meaning parental figures and other influential people. Sometimes people make observations about us that likewise shape us, “Oh isn’t she a shy one,” or “She’s such a tomboy” or “Look at how strong he is, he’s going to be an athlete for sure…” This is the nature of things–while we’re still figuring out what our toes are, people around us are making life decisions for us. I have a good friend who gave his infant son a regulation-sized football for Christmas–put it right in the crib with him. That kid was programmed from very early on that he was going to play football. Now, both his parents are good people; if he hadn’t shown any interest in or aptitude for playing the game, I’m confident they wouldn’t have pushed him toward it anyway. As it turns out, he loves football and is quite gifted at it. He’s fortunate that what he loves doing aligns well with what his father wanted for/expected of him. Not everyone is so fortunate.
All kinds of things affect our sense of self early on. In addition to a variety of environmental factors, birth order was a big one for me. I am the fifth of six children, so in addition to parental influence, I had four siblings ahead of me that I could measure myself against. When there are that many people, it takes effort to distinguish oneself from one’s siblings. In the midst of all the influences, we learn to develop our individual unique selves–our gifts and talents, our likes and dislikes, other ways in which we adhere to or deviate from the family “norm.” For many years I adhered to various norms–doing what was expected, what I was “supposed to do.” It has taken many years for me to discover those ways in which living the life I was expected to live has really hindered me from being who I truly am and moving toward a life that is more in alignment. Although much of 2011 has been about removing (or having removed for me) some of those impediments that were in my way, this process has been underway for many years. The peeling off of layers of gunk that I had allowed to accumulate on my life has been a gradual undertaking.
So as I continue asking the Universe for clarity about what my next steps are and about life purpose kinds of questions, I am also continuing to work on the question of who I am right now in this moment. I can’t help but believe that the clearer I can get about that, clearer the answers about “what’s next” will be. After all, if I don’t know who I am (or who I want to be) in a given moment, how can I find the work, the relationship, the living situation that best aligns with that? I’m grateful for this unfolding process. Sometimes it feels painfully slow, but I have to believe that the outcomes will be worth the wait. What is required of me right now is what’s often required in the midst of a process–patience, kindness, and gentleness with oneself. I’ve been working on that, and it’s paying off.
