Whew, I am a tired girl today. Didn’t sleep too well I think. Having a sleeping companion (Michal) over the weekend tends to make me sleep a little differently than usual. That plus being up a little later than usual contributed to my tiredness this evening. Nonetheless it is, as often is the case these days, a good tired.
Tonight more simple gratitude. I am learning, very slowwwwwllllyyyyy, to go with the flow of what’s happening in the moment. Everything right now seems to be pointing in the direction of not stressing about the future, and not living in the past, but being present to what’s happening in the now. This is not easy. The concept is simple, but the practice, the doing of it is far from it. I have been stressing a bit over a job interview that I have coming up early next week. I have prep work to do, a presentation to create, and of course deciding what I’m going to wear. All the planning is important–it’s okay to plan for the future, just not get stressed or obsess over it. There’s the feeling of having a whole lot riding on the outcome this interview;I could spend more time worrying about the outcome than the preparation. First things first! So I am very mindful of staying in the now, doing what I need to do now to get ready and trying not to get too far ahead of myself.
I am grateful for all the tools out there to help me focus on being in the present moment. I have been listening to a number of helpful audiobooks, including “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle, and am taking a beginning meditation class on the next three Monday nights. Tonight’s class focused in part on being in the present moment during meditation. Mindfulness meditation is all about being present to all that’s happening in a given moment and not get carried away by random thoughts of past or future. I understand a lot of this conceptually, but the reality of living it on a daily basis is still somewhat elusive. Nevertheless I am also developing the steadfastness required to persist in my meditation practice, to hang in there and stick with it even when it’s not easy.
You know they say that the teacher will appear when the student is ready. I must be in a perpetual state of readiness; I’ve had so many teachers appear lately in so many forms and in so many places. I think that life lately has been one big ongoing lesson. And I know that I am still just scratching the surface of what I need to know. I spent a lot of time asking for clear signs that I was taking the “right” actions, making the “right” decisions, doing the “right” thing. What I am coming to understand is that there’s no such thing as “right” or “wrong” decisions. There are decisions that have particular outcomes that I can choose to interpret as good or bad, but that’s a pretty simplistic way of approaching it.
Here’s how I look at it: I have a GPS navigation system in my car that tells me how to get from point A to point B. If it tells me to turn right on San Pablo Avenue and I turn left, it doesn’t go berserk and tell me I’m going the “wrong” way; it simply recalculates how to get me to my destination from where I am now, instead of from where I was “supposed” to be. Sooner or later I’m going to end up where I was headed. If I take a “wrong” turn, I’ll still get there, it just might take a little longer and I’ll see some different scenery along the way. As with navigating the roadways, so it is with navigating life–there are no wrong turns. So my plan is to spend less time second-guessing my actions and decisions as “right” or “wrong” and spend more time enjoying the scenery along the way. Gratitude is one fuel that’s going to help get me there, wherever there is! I am grateful for the journey and grateful for my many companions traveling along with me.
