It has been an interesting day. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened; perhaps I just took more interest in the ordinary.
In my quest to be in the present moment, I have hit a few snags lately. First, I realize that I am in countdown mode about a great many things. Notably, tonight I couldn’t help but realize that I am in the last two days of the nutritional cleanse I undertook almost three weeks ago. You might recall that I wrote about how cranky I was on the first day of the cleanse. I had no idea how I was going to find a way to cut a number of things out of my diet all at the same time–stuff like dairy, eggs, wheat and other grains, most animal protein (red meat, processed meats), soy in any form, and assorted other food items. But I did it, and I am almost at the end. I managed to make meals for myself that are healthy and taste pretty good, and for the majority of the time I have not felt deprived. But today I hit a bit of a wall and had to admit to myself that I am in countdown mode about the imminent end of the cleanse period.
When I got home late this afternoon from working at the food pantry, I realized I had run out of a few things and had virtually no energy to fix myself dinner. Yet, it was that or grab for the forbidden items that were so readily, tantalizingly available. So I mustered the energy to saute the fresh greens I got from an urban gardening group that had brought fresh produce to the pantry today and microwaved a sweet potato, which I topped with coconut oil instead of the forbidden margarine. I realized as I prepared my meal that I had grown weary of sauteed greens–kale, collards, chard, spinach. Even though I had added good stuff to it, it wasn’t very satisfactory. I realized that my crankiness had returned, albeit briefly.
For the past 19 days I have faithfully participated in the many, varied aspects of the cleanse that called upon me to try things I hadn’t tried before, create new habits for healthy living, and let go cold turkey of some of the things I enjoy eating. Rather than continuing to be cranky about what’s been missing from my diet, I stopped whining and turned toward thankfulness and a small bit of celebration. This was a hard thing to do–at least it looked that way when I first realized what I had signed on for–and yet, like so many hard things I’ve experienced lately, I’ve been able to work through it.
I realize as I’m writing this that with so many remarkable, frightening, sobering, amazing, worrisome things happening around California, the nation and the world that writing about these things might seem trivial, and in the scheme of such monumental events, they are trivial. My daily trials and victories don’t stack up against the really dramatic events of these days and times. I have not taken on the world lately, I’ve taken on a much more formidable opponent: myself– fears and insecurities, doubts and depression, hopelessness and anxiety, etc. I’ve made steps in some new direction and continue growing and changing in sometimes surprising ways. Taking on myself has been an interesting challenge. Soon, perhaps, I think I’ll be ready again for the world.
