I thought that the clock moving back one hour was supposed to be a good thing. If it is, why am I so tired? I am accustomed to having challenges when we “spring forward,” but for some reason my tail feathers are really dragging this week.
I continue to be grateful for the role that music plays in my life. This morning I woke with a gospel song playing clearly in my head even though I hadn’t heard it for a long time. “My Life is in Your Hands” by Kirk Franklin is a song of reassurance that no matter what’s going on at any given time, my life is guided, supported by a power greater than myself. As I heard and then sung aloud the words, I recognize that I must have needed to hear them this morning, so there they were.
I know that I can make it, I know that I can stand. No matter what might come my way, my life is in Your hands.Over the last several years my faith, or rather how I choose to live it out and express it, has changed a great deal. One thing remains true, however: no matter how challenging things get for me, I haven’t lost faith. Mind you, at times my “faith” can be and has been shaken, and will no doubt be shaken again. But there is a core faith that dwells deep below the surface–down there, nothing shakes. I glimpse it periodically, just often enough to know that it’s there, but I’ve not had to tap it very often. I somehow walk along through my life, sometimes joyful, sometimes despairing, sometimes neutral, but knowing (increasingly so) that whatever I’m feeling in that moment is impermanent, that it’s not going to last. So I can enjoy the joy, and I can be with and experience the despair in those moments that they arise and then I can move on.
This morning I experienced a brief bout of despair. I felt the emotion coming on, so rather than run from it or try to fight it off, I breathed into it, inviting it, allowing it to emerge as I was feeling it. I gave myself full permission to immerse myself in what came up, breathing and holding myself in compassion. Much to my surprise, the emotions were gone in a matter of moments. The whole thing came and went so quickly it was astonishing. What I had been feeling was acknowledged, given space to bubble up to the surface, was responded to and then passed. It made me think of a child who has fallen down and hurt herself–she wants someone to see and acknowledge what has happened and to be comforted. Often, if those conditions have been met, she is satisfied and can get on with her day. Sometimes if no one notices her at first, she’ll do one of a number of things: she’ll shrug and dust herself off realizing that it didn’t really hurt that badly, or she’ll cry and whimper loudly and put on a show until she gets noticed and receives acknowledgment, comfort and closure. The hurt is often quickly assuaged and the child is off to the next thing. That’s how it was with me today, only in this case, I was both the child and I was the comforter.
I am grateful for a growing awareness about how to deal with the various vicissitudes of life. I am now far less likely to be overwhelmed or drawn deeply into “negative” emotions as I once was; I go there, but I don’t stay there for very long. I may have a few opportunities to be tested in this in the coming days as I continue working with the uncertainty that is my life at the moment. But even as I am in “waiting” mode (as discussed yesterday) I am taking actions learn more about compassion and “unconditional friendliness” toward myself and others, to strengthen my faith, and to “be with” whatever comes my way in a given day, moment. No matter what might come my way, my life is in God’s/my hands.
