It was chilly at the park today, but still sunny and beautiful. I wasn’t able to take my usual walk today. I was about half a mile around the path when I got a phone call that I needed to run an errand that required me to drive all the way home and come back. So I did come back to the park, but I didn’t walk any further. I sat down on my usual bench and watched the sun sink low over the Bay. I had an appointment in Oakland so I decided not to drive back home only to turn around and drive back across I-80 to Oakland. So I sat in my car at the park enjoyed the sunset before heading off to my appointment.
I want to report that I’ve had mixed results/limited success with offering myself compassion today. As periodically happens I awoke extremely early with the weight of many thoughts pressing me. I attempted to offer loving kindness and compassion to myself in an effort to soothe myself back to sleep, again with limited success. Over the course of the day I’ve caught myself chastising myself for having done something “dumb” or wrong or for missing the mark in some way. Each time, for the most part, I did manage to stop myself mid-rebuke and offer sympathy, compassion, and patience with myself. I am still so new to meditation practice that sometimes it seems like I am plodding along like a turtle; but whether one plods like a turtle or sprints like a cheetah, sooner or later we get where we’re going. I a grateful for the teachings on compassion and lovingkindness. They are teaching me how to be with myself in the midst of chaos, drama, upheaval and maintain a sense of balance and equanimity. So I will continue the practice of being compassionate with myself in the midst of it all and see how it begins to transform my life.
I am in serious evaluation mode about the direction I want my life to go in. I keep asking and looking for clarity and at times I actually get some; but I’m also beginning to realize that I have a wellspring of wisdom inside of me–we all do. That wisdom often gets drowned out in the noise of all the random thought that harass us all through the day. Part of what I am gaining from mindfulness meditation is the quiet. My mind chatters and wanders and makes up stories and things all day long (including and sometimes especially during meditation); but I am learning to have these brief moments of quiet. And in those moments, little glimpses of clarity comes.
The other thing I continue doing is connecting with people. Tonight in a conversation I had with my much-respected meditation teacher I got a lot of clarity about some things I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I also got clear about a major block that’s hindering my progress in a number of areas. I’m still sorting out what to do about it now that I know about it, but bringing it into the light of day makes it so much easier to deal with. I’m grateful to be learning so much, in the midst of and in many ways because of all the challenges I’ve faced this year. Much of this learning and reflection and re-evaluation is coming at the perfect time of the year and at just the right moment in my life–I have to believe that’s true. I refer from time to time to one of the last lines from The Desiderata, “You are a child of the Universe. No less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should.” My universe is unfolding as it should. And for that, I am grateful. I pray for the continued wisdom to recognize this unfolding in all its forms and flow with whatever is happening in any given moment. Let it be so.
© M. T. Chamblee, 2011
