Today I spent most of the day learning, thinking, journaling, discussing, and meditating on the meaning of forgiveness during a full day retreat titled “the Essence of Deep Forgiveness.” What a powerful gift we offer to ourselves and others when we extend our hearts toward forgiveness. When we know we’ve hurt someone–whether knowingly or unknowingly–what a release it is to be forgiven by them. What healing we bring to others when we truly and genuinely from our hearts forgive them. And what a gift it is to ourselves when we forgive ourselves for our “sins” of omission or commission, for the things we’ve done or failed to do, for all the things we blame ourselves for. True forgiveness brings about healing at individual and collective levels.
We spent a great deal of time today in mediation practicing forgiving ourselves, asking for forgiveness, and extending forgiveness to those who have injured us in some way. I found myself at times with my heart welling up with tears, particularly as I pondered the pain that I have caused others. Even the people I care about most are those whose forgiveness I most often need to ask. I also thought about others who have “wronged” me and realized that though I thought I’d forgiven them, there is still some emotional energy bubbling up when I think about them, indicating that perhaps I have more letting go to do and more forgiveness is needed. It reminds me that I am a work in progress; perhaps we all are in one way or another. It requires a great deal of patience and willingness to let go of the perfectionistic tendencies that for some of us are deeply rooted inside of us.
I am grateful to be participating in a number of retreats and classes as the end of the year approaches. This is naturally a time of reflection anyway; so spending a number of hours talking about and practicing lovingkindness, compassion, joy, forgiveness, equanimity, and other qualities is a very good use of my time. This year has been a growing and stretching opportunity for me. Would I have chosen the various elements that have brought about some of this transformation? No. I have experienced times of deep sadness, anguish, anxiety, and fear this year. But in the midst of having a number of things stripped away from me or having a life that had seemed to be stable yanked out from under me, I’ve discovered a deep well of resilience, compassion, and strength that I hadn’t tapped into in a really, really long time. One of the teachers at today’s retreat reminded us that we experience 10,000 sorrows and 10, 000 joys; that suffering and hardship is inevitable. The key to working with suffering is not to push it away or try to get rid of it; freedom comes from being right in the midst of the suffering and still keeping an open heart.
The practice of offering (and asking for) forgiveness is powerful and one I plan to incorporate into my developing spiritual practice. I feel like I have a lot to learn, yet I am also grateful for what I’ve learned thus far. It is said that the teacher will appear when the student is ready. Well, I must’ve been really ready, because I’ve had teachers showing up in many different forms throughout the course of this year. Our teachers are everywhere, whether we recognize them right away or not. There are still a few weeks left in 2011. I am looking forward to continuing this exploration and learning journey as I contemplate all the lessons from this past year and look forward to what’s to come in 2012. Of course I hope to spend most of my time experiencing the present moment, from one to the next. Because that’s all we really have anyway.
