Lessons in Gratitude Day 12

I continue to be gratified by the experience that when I’ve reached out to people they’ve been reaching back. It kind of makes me wonder why it is often so hard for some people to reach out and connect. Some of us were taught, either directly and intentionally or by various life experiences, that asking for help is somehow a bad thing, a sign of weakness. If you need something, you take care of it yourself, you do it yourself, you provide it for yourself. You don’t want anyone to think you can’t take care of yourself.

At some point in my life I was taught not to ask for what I need, that somehow it’s okay to give of oneself but not to ask for whatever I might need or want. I can look back on times when I struggled unnecessarily with problems in school because to ask for help meant to look dumb. I believed, erroneously, that I had to tough everything out and that sooner or later if I worked at it hard enough, I could figure it out. There were no doubt people who would have helped me, but I never bothered to ask. In many relationships, friendships, etc. I often listened more than I talked, shared sage advice, offered a shoulder to cry on, etc. But rarely did I reach out to others when I was confused, or sad, or hurting. I cried by myself and put on a strong public face. In retrospect, that was a very sad and unnecessary thing. And in some ways it robbed people of the opportunitity to reciprocate, to allow them to be a friend and to care for and support me.

So I have been changing this old destructive habit. I am reaching out to more people–in part because I’ve discovered that to connect with others is an essential part of living. I’ve had to overcome some twisted sense of pride that wouldn’t allow me to admit that I need that connection and that yes, sometimes I need help. Recently I’ve sent dozens of e-mails, I’ve called folks, I am reaching out. And you know what? They’re reaching back.

I’m glad to have been a good friend to so many people over the course of my life. And I’ll never stop listening, offering comfort and advice or a shoulder to cry on. But I’m also determined to learn how to let people in to be good friends to me. I reckon that’s going to make an awfully big difference in the days, weeks and months to come.