I am so grateful for family gatherings like the one we had tonight and will have over the next few days. This evening we were celebrating my brother’s 60th birthday. Sisters, brothers, in-laws who have been in the family for so long that the in-law part doesn’t matter all hanging out, laughing, eating, telling oft-told family stories. I am also noticing the occasional pang of sadness for those who didn’t make the trip “home” to Indiana–my younger sister and her family, and one niece, each of whom for various reasons aren’t here. I am holding them in my heart and thoughts even as I am missing them and wishing for them a good Christmas day. And of course missing my Dad, whom we lost a year ago September and my mother, now gone over 16 years.
Our family is not perfect–we are challenged and afflicted by some of the same issues most people are: some don’t get along as well with this one or that one, there are schisms between family members of my kids’ generation, sometimes hurts and slights occur that border on intolerable. Some years, some people avoid one another. It is possible, even likely, that in a family as close as ours these things can and do arise. There are some of us, I include myself here, who are peacemakers and find these rifts and schisms difficult, and our desire to heal the wounds and repair the breaches is at times overwhelming. Occasionally, in my desire to help bring about peace, or at least detente, between warring parties has resulted in slings and arrows directed at me from both sides–the peacemaker becomes a casualty of the war. It hasn’t stopped me, even when it perhaps should, from throwing myself once more into the breach.
This year there are schisms, hurt and anger, and issues rippling under the surface even in the midst of our happy, playful, fun holiday gatherings. It hurts my heart to know about them and feel like there’s not a space for me to enter in and initiate repairs. A wise peacemaker looks for openings, and when they don’t appear knows when not to engage. Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… As much as I would like to instigate change, it would not be wise to wade into a mess and make things worse. So I believe my approach will be simple–offer prayers of lovingkindness, peace, and compassion and let the Spirit do the work directly rather than through me…the courage to change the things I can…
Families are such interesting systems. Like biological systems, each individual part serves a different role, performs a different function, from another. Some functions are similar and some are vastly different. In order for an organism to function optimally, each part must do its specialized job in collaboration and coordination with the others. When one gets out of sync, the whole organism suffers. I cannot say that our entire family system gets completely out of whack when a couple of members are out of sorts with one another, but we don’t operate at our best. This of course is my opinion, but I bet you I’d get some agreement from other members of our particular system. I’ve assumed, been assigned, tried to cast off, run from, etc. a number of roles in my family. They morph and have changed over time as we’ve all gotten older and as our family structure has changed (adding or losing partners, grandchildren and great grandchildren, losing both of our parents, etc.) It could be interesting to ask my siblings what roles we’ve played over the years and currently play; then again, perhaps it better not to know. Over the next few days the peacemaker might emerge, who knows, if the stars align just right. Or not…and the wisdom to know the difference… In the meantime, I plan to enjoy with deep appreciation and gratitude the moments of loving connection with this wonderful and wildly imperfect collection of related individuals.
May we all know love, joy, peace and happiness. So be it!
© M. T. Chamblee, 2011
