Every day really is a new adventure, isn’t it? I am grateful for the unfolding of each new day. No matter how organized we are or how we might plan out our time, the truth is we really have no control over what’s actually going to happen. No matter how carefully we plan things, something out of the ordinary can happen and totally change the trajectory of our day. Imagine how boring life would be if everything we did went exactly according to our plan, to our schedule. It’s not only boring, it would be downright scary.
My days and weeks are highly variable these days. I once had routine meetings and regular events in color codes of red, purple, green and blue on my calendar detailing the various aspects of my life: consulting work, special events, job meetings, personal appointments, etc. These days my weekly calendar still has color-coded events and activities on it, but they are much fewer now than a year ago. There is space in my schedule for things like reading articles and chapters, writing cover letters, emails, this blog, for thinking and visioning about how I’d like the next phase of my life to unfold. It took a while to really get used to having time to do these things. Throughout my work career there were many times when I was so overwhelmed with all I had to do that I could barely manage to keep ahead of it all. Often my creativity, energy level and time for my kids and loved ones, and my sense of contributing to the world in any meaningful way suffered dramatically because of the time pressures I was under.
Having been without a consistent 8 to 5 job for several months now has obviously eased the time crunch, but some of the pressures to produce something remain. I tell myself I could stand to be more organized and there is probably a lot more I should be accomplishing. But I realize that I, like many people, have lived with “shoulds” my entire life–that voice of the inner critic that constantly chatters on about what we have or haven’t done, what we didn’t do right or perfectly, and how badly we should feel about ourselves in the face of all those failures. We get precious little if any time to celebrate the things we actually did do well before we are assaulted by all the “yeah buts” about all the ways we could’ve done that better. Or you did that well over here, but look at how you failed over here. Sometimes the voice of the inner critic mirrors what we’ve heard from others–critical parents, harsh teachers, unappreciative bosses, etc. who point out our flaws and shortcomings either overtly through their actual words, or covertly through things like grades and performance evaluations, etc. Does any of this sound familiar?
The impact of all these shoulds is that we end up with a very skewed perspective of who we are and what our value is to the world. How many of us wander through the world wounded and bruised our head bowed by our perceived unworthiness? I am grateful to be in the process of liberating myself (and others, as best I can) from the damage inflicted by all the negativity that constantly assails us. I have been in this process for a long time, but most intensively over the past few months. Part of the process has included offering compassion and lovingkindness to myself and those around me, catching and stopping myself from speaking harshly to myself when I’ve made a mistake and giving myself a celebratory “well done” for the things I’ve done well, and being gentle with myself as I continue to navigate through rough seas.
For some of us it is tough work learning to reach out first to ourselves with the same compassion and tenderness that we would to a beloved child or dear friend or a cherished family member. We often extend to others what we cannot offer ourselves, but if in order for me to truly love, forgive, accept others I have to be able to likewise offer these things to myself. This is what I am learning as I am on this journey. I am grateful for learning it and trying to practice it as I go through my days. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity for me to love, learn, give, and grow. I might work, smile, ponder, cry, plan, think and engage in many activities, experience many emotional states, and roll with whatever unfolds…and I will do it with a grateful heart.
© M. T. Chamblee, 2012
